Break Away Nation

1-29-10

2010-04-16T23:48:00.003-04:00

On January 29th, 2010 I had my baby boy. It was a complicated situation. I went into the hospital at UPMC Horizon for a simple procedure. They were going to soften the cervix with this medicine that would have or would have not induced labor. They ended up breaking my water. Janice, my midwife, noticed there was merconium in the fluid. It was no big deal. They were going to flush it out. I was supposed to be able to enjoy the labor naturally. I was going to be able to walk around, get into a tub...which didn't work out either...so then I was going to be able to get into the shower. I had a ball to bounce on. I didn't want any pain killers. I had so many plans. My son had different ones unfortunately. I ended up being in a lot of pain that couldn't be lessened by walking around. Every time I attempted to stand up his blood pressure dropped significantly. I finally had to be stationed in the bed. The contractions became too much. I had finally asked for some pain killers, but no epidural. Eric's mom was there, rubbing my back. My mother, sister, and Eric were all there. I Had so much support. Sara was on her way from Columbus. By ten p.m. They had brought in an actual doctor to look in at my situation. She realized the cord was wrapped around his head and that there was no time. I had to be rushed into surgery for a 'crash' c-section. Noo! I didn't want that. But whatever was going to be best for him was what I had to do. I remember them sticking me with needles and telling me it was almost over. I wasn't put under, I had no major pain medicine. I got to do it as naturally as I could I suppose. My son had arrived at 10.25 p.m. I barely remember because they gave me a drug called versed which made me forget most everything. I was back in my room and awake by some time after 11. Sara was there. The first thing I remember being told was Sara telling me that I would be able to have a vbac. Haha, last thing on my mind, right? Everyone was telling me how great I was and that he looked amazing. There is a big blur after the c-section but next thing I know they're sticking me with needles for IV's. one nurse kept failing. My blood pressure kept dropping as well. They had let me attempt to get some sleep some time around 4 a.m. but when the next nurse came to check on my something wasn't right. They had to rush me to the ICU. My blood pressure wasn't stabilizing. Dr. Tate said I needed blood. What? I didn't understand what was going on. I just said yes to everything. By morning they got me a cat scan. They realized I had three liters of blood in my stomach. I had a bleeding muscle. They had to do a second surgery to fix the problem. That was at 8 a.m. I was in so much pain and I just wanted to be better to see my son. I didn't get to see him until noon the next day. On Sunday night they had put me into a regular room since I was able to get up and walk around. It was the most chaotic experience of my life but so worth every second. Today Atley, my little boy, is 11 weeks old. He truly is the light of my life. I wouldn't trade a second of the pain if it meant I didn't have such a perfect child. I am the lucky one. And I now know that nothing is as bad as it seems.

2010

2010-01-07T23:33:00.002-05:00

okay. 7 days into the new year it's already starting to be amazing.

if we keep our heads on straight it won't be so bad.

and...we got our own place!

i can't wait to furnish, nest, build a home out of it. :-)

next is baby.

then is attempting to raise a child in this world.

after school/money/legal/driving situations are finished there's the rest of the world.

love.

Nancy

2009-12-21T21:35:00.001-05:00

I was incredibly blessed earlier this month when I had the chance to go to Reading, Pa with my mother to visit our cousin Nancy. Nancy and her husband had a business called the Baby Preview Co. where they would offer 3-D ultrasounds. Luckily She was up to visitors right at the perfect time to see the baby. Mom and I had a great drive out and we made it to her house which was at the top of a mountain it seemed :-) It was gorgeous up there. And their house was amazing. He has art from all over the world, she had witch's balls in the window, and the view through the bare trees was so calming. Nancy made us dinner and we talked and talked. She told us about her cancer, some of her fears, and what she was planning on doing into the future.

She was so passionate about her work. Not only did she run this preview company, she worked with mothers and their babies, giving them every opportunity they needed to succeed while pregnant and during the first two years. She was fluent in Spanish and dealt mainly with those who were unable to communicate for themselves what they needed. She got women ready for appointments and showed them what to buy, how to go about, etc.

On the evening of Dec. 2, after dinner, we drove to downtown Reading and went to the facility. There the three of us and the ultrasound technician saw my baby for the very first time. I fell deeper in love with him. It was such a magical moment that I would have to recommend to anyone. Usually it is a couple hundred of dollars to get this done but so worth it!!

After the preview we went back to the house and watched the dvd again along with Nancy's husband, Marty. He even seemed to enjoy it. They were such an adorable couple. I feel so blessed to have had a couple of instances with them, together, such as this gift and 6 years ago when I was in West Chester. Those two had picked me up to take me home for thanksgiving. I got to stay at Marty's home in Pottstown. And on the drive back to Western Pennsylvania we stopped at Falling Water.

The thing that amazes me most about this trip was that within a week and a half Nancy had to give up fighting her cancer. She looked great when we saw her, albeit tired, exhausted, and a little absent minded. After my ultrasound she had gone ahead and had one of her own to take a look at her liver. There she realized it was everywhere. When she finally talked to her doctor they decided to quit treatments. Yesterday on December 20, she finally passed. I love that woman. To me she was like an aunt and nothing can express how happy/grateful I am to have seen her when I did.

<3<3<3<3 Sunset Rubdown

2009-09-28T19:44:00.003-04:00

*********This is one of my favorite songs of theirs. I had no idea it wasn't already on an album until this summer*********

Stay away from open windows
And put the telephone down.
Can you run as fast as this house will fall
When the alarm bell sounds
No, I was never much of a dancer
But I know enough to know you gotta move
Your idiot body around.

And you cant, cant settle down
until the idiot in your blood
Settles down

So move around, oh move around
Oh move around, oh move around
oh move around, oh move around
Wo-ow!

And if I found you in this city
And called it “Paradise”
I say I love you but I hate this city
And I’m no prize

You want to walk around like you own the joint,
The way that Icarus thought he might
Own the sky

I said you cant, cant settle down
until the Icarus in your blood
In your blood drowns
No you cant, cant settle down
Until the Icarus in your blood
in your blood drowns

I said, If I was a horse
I would throw up the reins
if I was you
Wo-o-a-o-a-o-a-oh

So, look at you go!
(you were a sorcerer)
Oh, look at you go!
(you were a meteor)
Oh, look at you go!

And you know a heart
And you know your heart

But it’s an idiot heart.
And you know your heart

But you can’t, cant settle down, down, down
Ba-da-da-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-ba
But you cant, cant settle down, down, down
Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

So just move around, move around, move around
Move around (I hope that you die)
Move around (in a decent pair of shoes)
Move around (you got a lot more walking to do)
Move around (where you’re going to)
Move around

I hope that you die in a decent pair of shoes
You got a lot more walking to do
Where you’re going to.

Ooohhh

Megan's Senior Year

2009-09-17T11:16:00.003-04:00

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be!! Thought you all who knew me back then might get a laugh out of some memories! Share yours if you want too!

1. Did you date someone from your school?
nope

2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
no

3. Did you car pool to school?
if taking and making steph late for school almost everyday counts, then yeah.

4. What kind of car did you have?
a white fleetwood, cadillac.

5. What kind of car do you have now?
my malibu that i can't even drive. insurance went down....maybe in a couple of years i can start making car payments again?

6. It's Friday night...where WERE you THEN?
oh wow. ENP! or the falls. or early in the year, football field, then enp.

7. It is Friday night...where are you (now)?
at work, then walking around town, doing my friday night banking, getting ready for the next day.

8. What kind of job did you have in high school?
i worked at a fashion bug. amazing clothes, right? i was kidding.

9. What kind of job do you do now?
i work at broad st. market. you know, the lawson's, i mean dairy mart, oops, kings korner.

10. Were you a party animal?
i tried to be one. led to some problems, eh?

11. Were you considered a flirt?
doubt it.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
band. i liked it. whatever. also in marching band for requirement and pep band...for fun.

13. Were you a nerd?
nope. i slacked so much senior year. thank goodness i still graduated with honors. class time was sleepy time for me.

14. Did you get suspended or expelled?
nope. but i did get my first detentions and saturday detention. i cried the first time i got it. it was for being late to my 8 a.m. way too many times. eventually i dropped the class and took a study hall.

15. Can you sing the fight song?
i don't think so. but give me a few minutes and i can play it.

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s)?
mrs. mills. she woke me up for lunch :-) and even though i didn't have her for a class, mrs. cardille.

17. Where did you sit during lunch?
depended on the day. sometimes the corner with tim and sara...hmm...i kind of forget a lot of that. but almost always in the other room with the stage.

18. What was your school's full name?
Grove City Area High School.

19. When did you graduate?
2002

20. What was your school mascot?
the eagle

21. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
i want to say no...but at the same time there's a lot i would do differently...however, i wouldn't be where i am today without the experience, right?

22. Did you have fun at Prom?
prom? nope. didn't go. a bunch of people were supposed to hang out but it fell through. or whatever. i had much more fun junior prom picking up my friends and riding around in the cr-v.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with?
i never went to any dances. i must of been lame. think of all the money i saved on dresses.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion?
i don't know. wouldn't mind. but strictly depends on if sara or tim go.

25. Do you still talk to people from school?
a few

A New Toy

2009-09-14T14:06:00.004-04:00

Well, what once was going to be an ipod touch is now an Asus EeePc T-91. Best birthday gift EVER! I LOVE IT.

Jeff Hanson - This Time It Will

2009-09-12T11:39:00.004-04:00

Night comes and I need someone to take me home
I'm a year's supply of words for no one else
But I'm tired now of offering
Words that you would never understand
Like a dark day, and a cold hand

How it's turned on me again somehow
And my friends that really were aren't really now
And I'm hearing things so quietly
You hold just what you have right over me
Like your whole life, and how it comes right back to mine, oh

Haven't I done this all before?
Maybe I have, I'm not sure
But never again will I be left under the open air
I waited around for you to be there

I won't believe that it's so far away
And I don't sleep now at night but through the day
And you'll ask me why so honestly
But I don't think it's something that I can see
Like an old friend, turning now then once again, oh

Haven't I done this all before?
Maybe I have I'm not sure
But only today will you still keep inside what I have said
It's something new for you to forget

So I'm not making any plans
And where would I begin?
But I'm doing so much better than
So I think you should know

There's not a window that I can't see out
And your stories left too soon to read about
But it was all done so easily
I'm still not sure where I'm supposed to be
Like your whole life, and how it comes right back to mine

Haven't I done this all before?
I know I have I'm quite sure
But never again will I be left under the open air
I waited around for you to be there

Someone that you should have known
Everything was there to be your own

for you.

2009-09-09T12:27:00.000-04:00

Can we still be friends? I always just wanted to be friends.

(+.+)(-.-)(_ _)

2009-09-08T22:40:00.004-04:00

i've been very angry lately.
can't keep my emotions in check.
if i could just escape from everyone
no one could be upset with the way
that i am acting toward them.

i've been incredibly tired.
i can't sleep or i sleep all day.
there isn't something in between.
i want to be on schedule.
i want to start my work.

tonight. right now.

it will all be finished soon.

8-18-09

2009-08-19T14:00:00.005-04:00

I love birthdays. I had a really great one this past Tuesday. Eric came downstairs finally around 4.30 in the morning and he was being really sweet. We hung out, watched the end of the cell (because Nathen really likes that movie) and then he went upstairs to lock up the office.

At noon his mom came to the house. I wanted to go to the brewery, I remember my first time there was three(or four?) years ago on my birthday and I've made mom and dad go there on theirs. I think it feels special, I love that place, the food is good, and you can always find something new carved into the walls :-) It was nice, Eric's little brothers were with us and so was Sarah, I saw Hayden for the first time too. I remember having lots of conversations on porch swing and it was nice to see her again after all these years.

I got a few awesome gifts from Eric and his mom. She picked out these adorable heart earrings that have all three of my favorite colors swirled in them, a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon book, and the book, Obama's blackberry. Eric 'picked' that one out...but then I saw that his mom has a copy of it too at her house. He also got me a card with a cut out of the ipod touch I'm going to get. I can't wait to get it ordered. I've never had an mp3 player and that one seems sweet.

After lunch we left the brewery and survived the torrential downpour that ensued. It was fun. Poor Vicki and Sarah ran to their cars and got soaked while we waited with the boys. Hayden kept trying to lick the water coming off of the side of the building. Kids. We hopped into the vehicles and got dropped back off at home.

At home Steph and Mike were getting things ready for the cookout. We had to bring the grill up onto the back porch because it kept raining off and on for the rest of the day but regardless Mike made some pretty awesome steaks. My grandparents came over and we all had a great dinner. I made my tomato soup pasta salad the night before, Mom made the cucumber stuff and my favorite, tiramisu cake. She made it last year on my birthday and that was the last time we had it. So that was a great surprise. Steph and Mike got me an pretty cool shelf that I need to see if I can use. I think the first shelf is short for the refrigerator purpose but That doesn't matter, I can find a use for it no matter what.

Well, I wish I would have wrote this sooner, I started to and got busy. I just wanted to remember most of what happened. This was a great birthday even if I didn't get to play backgammon with Nathen like I did last year :p

Glitter Ponies, Make Believe

2009-08-10T07:29:00.003-04:00

I bet you believe everything you read.
What if I made it all up?
What would I know about anything?
Apparently not much.
Why would I be a part of the problem?
How could I give insight to your dilemma?

Yesterday everything felt hazy.
I am wandering in circles again.
When I close my eyes I see the same,
And when I open them all is gone.

I am alone for the first time.
I will push away everyone,
little by little, until all I
can do is reach out for someone.

Maybe this is all going to fast?
I feel ill, I feel nervous,
I feel like I have no control.
There's only one with control
so I leave it to him.

None of this is real.
This never happened.
I take it all away.
Make it go away!
It was all make believe
And we will all go back to
the way things used to be.

Rat King

2009-08-05T17:22:00.002-04:00

Modest Mouse - Rat King

this is their new video. Directed by Heath Ledger. This video is a little disturbing, I will admit that...but it is a good look the other way. And the song is great. I love modest mouse. I can't believe it's been almost 4 years since i saw them.

King Rat

2009-08-03T02:00:00.002-04:00

sweet. just found a video of yeasayer performing this 'newer' song live. i heard it before but i think right now it's only found on the dark was the night compilation. which is amazing by the way. yeasayer, bon iver (justin vernon performing again), grizzly bear, sufjan, iron and wine, and i love feist and ben gibbard's version of vashti bunyan's train song. it's one of my favorite songs right now, the original and the remake.

well enough promoting, here's yeasayer tightrope:

and while i'm at it, the vashti bunyan train song:

and how about one more. the totally awesome, dark, beautiful, blitzen trapper song, Black River Killer:

My Gift

2009-07-31T23:39:00.005-04:00

There has been so much that has gone on in the past couple of months. Every so many days I think of you all and who I used to be. A past is an important thing. It is all that we have to learn from when we won't listen others advice.

I say this freely, knowing I have no one to fear, these words will not reach the wrong people.

My future is up in the air. Who knows what each day will bring. Some say I have been blessed. Now it is about being responsible and accountable for once.

I don't know how the situation will end up. But this is My Gift from God.

I fly so high, then fall so low...

2009-04-28T22:51:00.002-04:00

12-12-08

Exactly what you do not expect
in what will likely most
happen--
Something better, somewhere else
is always waiting.
And how about the simple
things. Like the woods?
To walk around in cirlces, to the side
in search of the spot or a plane
amongst the

1-12-09

...lands that show you hwo to live,
who you are and what you are suppose
to do. The whole fun of it is determinging
where you are going. The sans terre
will endlessly walk until they decide
to stop and what will stop the wanderer?
Some will only love the comforts
of home and will not venture far.
Others will want to break free and see
it all, yet they'll get tastes only to
remain. Others will get to see all that
they want and be content with their
situation.
For those stuck in the middle
They only have to remind themselves
that they have the ability to do what
they want and should flow with where
life takes you.
I have entered a chapter again.
This is a new year with similar
situations, familiar and troublesome.
I should avoid feeling trapped, take
advantage of myime...and attempt
to improve the space around me.
I want to try and not be a screwup,
perhaps my wints haven't completely
melted and I'm still inthe air avoiding
the dangerous sun. I don't wish to
crash again and appreciate the
second chance gift.
I'm going to hope that when the air
is warmer and the ground's mostly dry
I can find my spots out there where
I have talked before. A fire. The evening,
night. In, The woods. ~~The woods.~~

2009-04-25T01:05:00.001-04:00

1 - Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Quotations Page and select "random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use Photoshop or similar to put it all together.

5 - Post it to FB by creating a photo album with this image in it. Add this text in the "caption" or "comment" and TAG the friends you want to join in.

From When I Was Happy January 12, 2009

2009-04-09T14:56:00.000-04:00

i think i'm in trouble. not real trouble. no immediate punishment.

just the kind of trouble you get when you care too much.

i love him...you know? i feel silly and giddy, happy, and loved when i am with him.
I feel as though i am at a point where i am no longer worried about him leaving
(though he's made it clear this isn't going to last forever).

either way i'm turning to a mushy mess. and it's great.

i've never felt this way. i've been in love before, or maybe i was severely
infatuated with a really great person. my wild, handsome, genius.
and now i've replaced that love with something better.

she found me crying downtown grove city.
of course she was going to pick me up
she's a hippy, it would be bad karma
or something if she didn't see what was
the matter.
as we sat on the rock, smoking the bowl
she told me something i will never forget
'you are completely in love with something and nothing will ever
be as great, or so you think. now that it is over you imagine
life will never be the same, nothing will ever be as amazing
as what you once thought you had. one day, something will
come along and not necessarily replace but be so much better.
one day you will find yourself happier than you've ever been
and you'll wonder why what you lost before was ever so urgently
important, had you only known not to stress over the loss.'

Walking Towards

2009-04-08T01:43:00.003-04:00

There is something really nice about snow in April.
And wearing some kind of sandal, the feet aren't cold.
I am currently surrounded by a complete mess.
There is no order of the space in which I inhabit.
I let you go outside. You will come back.

I found something. I was looking for something that I may have
permanently misplaced.
While looking I found something quite old and forgotten in my humidor.
It was fine to have but I had taken other things.
This time I know I shouldn't have.
But Perhaps now I will realize that I have to rationalize
in order to function. I have to keep my head on steady.
I have always enjoyed going all out, like a fighter or a
stubborn bull who just won't quit.
You have to be beat to be like that.
Or you are robbed of something you will not get back.
Some kind of glory.

But maybe it is time to get back to the essential.
What makes me happy?
How can I have it...without hurting anyone else again?
The answer seems simple.
I continue what I've always done but without bad.

I can continue to love you. Love myself. And everyone else.
I will still know that I prefer the sans terre.

...I have met but one or two persons in the course
of my life who understood the art of Walking, that
is, of taking walks,--who had a genius, so to speak,
for sauntering: which word is beautifully derived
"from idle people who roved about the country, in
the Middle Ages, and asked charity, under the
pretense of going a la Sainte Terre," to the Holy Land
.... Some, however, would derive the word from sans terre,
without land or a home, but equally at home everywhere.
For this is the secret of successful sauntering...

Walking

Henry David Thoreau

To be outside, walking in the snow. Climbing up the hill.
Standing on the top, in the wind, looking out over the world.
Forever seeking a safe haven for desires sake.
Traveling about only to see something new.
Exploring what we can when we can.
Having the chance to do so much with someone so great.

There have been several geniuses and I have been
so fortunate to have met so many in such a short
period of time.

Tonight i have discovered how to change things up a bit.
Today is a new day. Let's hope it goes well.

It will not be all about
Me falling and you not laughing at me but picking me up.

Monday Night Trash

2009-03-30T20:56:00.003-04:00

Do I have reason?
Most likely no.
Should I be upset?
I really don't think so.

Am I hurt?
Yes.
Why am I upset?
Because, I told you
The only thing
I did not want
Was for you...
And you said you didn't
Want to either.

And you are.
And I again feel
I again feel the same things I had always felt before.
Forgoten, discared, that piece of trash...

I only need someone to love me the way I've loved two.
One for the wrong reasons...
Two for what I thought was right.

I figured everyone needs their
Own space.
I gave it.
But I did not want
To have the one
Who hated me so much so say I manipulated you
To be the one you'd want to see again.
And I will beleive it is all in innocence.

Do I have the right to feel this way?
Of course I do!
Even if it doesn't seem right
I love you still
Because you haven't done anything wrong.
But....I feel betrayed.

Cause here's another secret....(shhhh)
(He will betray you)

Stroszek

2009-03-26T21:46:00.001-04:00

Eva, what kind of country is this...where they confiscate my Beo?

death by sunshine

2008-11-25T17:37:00.001-05:00

still, yes...

2008-11-22T01:28:00.001-05:00

still not available

i am still not here.

i don't know where i actually am.

going through, passing along, looking down.

over.

my head hurts a lot and it's too cloudy.

i'm in love again with something i can't have

because no matter how much i will it, it's not mine to keep.

lord never wanted it to be easy for me.

or you for that matter.

but when i thought it could be so

so easy to just be

i had to remember that you were too great

and i was just not

so forever i am free to want for so much

that i can never have.

??

2008-11-19T13:16:00.004-05:00

soon. i'll be back soon.

there is no key

2008-11-19T11:08:00.003-05:00

and when i finally get to see your beautiful face i know that your intentions are raw.
i know that i am meaningless to you in any form other than friend.
but i do not know if i am that at all.

tell me what i am to you
and perhaps i won't feel like
all is lost in this endless circle.

time is not real, it has been created by man.
and we could feel endless if only you'd allow.

i am ready to jump of the ledge and free fall to soft ground.
instead i rise to high in intentions and thought
and am sucked into nothingness beyond the realm of real
when i scream to have life let me back in
the gods decide to laugh at my attempt

here i will stay

until i can find a doorway through which i can enter.

in need

2008-11-17T12:05:00.002-05:00

This is not getting any easier. and all this is is a lot of uncertainty. because i know we are nothing and you care little. and i want you to have cared too much like another. but you are you and not some other. and i am in the same place i've always been. that is without you, the one who cares enough to call so late and talk all night. the one who holds my hand as we walk during the night. the one who is in search of experience and the thrill that there is. the one who will one day settle down for the completeness for joy for love.

when i waited up all night wondering if so and so was going to survive drinking so much, walking miles along the railroad tracks, all during a wind storm, i figure i don't mind the wild. i mind the not knowing. and i just wanted to be included but to go so long without your voice leaves me lost. my artist, genius, writer of good, lover of travel, my muse, my natas hope, my hope, my love.

i'm sitting here again in the same spot doing the same old thing, crying and waiting. i want to sleep forever. i neeed a cigarette. i need a new life.

not available at the moment

2008-11-11T13:19:00.001-05:00

what is up? selclusion.

thanks for calling.

sorry for ignoring.

i need a few days alone.

i'll be back by the weekend.

i promise.

caliban loves you for who you are not

2008-11-10T13:57:00.004-05:00

what did i do? i let all your secrets out. i don't need any secrets. don't tell me, don't expect me to keep. i want everything to be upfront. i don't need to remember anything. i want to forget it all. i want to start again. i wish i had never met you. i wish you never existed. then maybe i could have done this my way. instead there is something, always something, standing in the way of my happiness.

these are self-created obstacles. i suffer from these miniature delusions of grandeur. i will always be in over my head. i will always feel like something revolves around me. this is my play of life is it not? i am the actor and you are my extras. you help me with satisfying my desire of you. i am an id engager. looking for pleasure. searching for a love. i love you all. i love you more. my genius. i found you. are we just and only friends? aren't we something more by now? delusions, see? i have nothing and want it all.

growing old alone. i don't want. losing a genius for a second time, i couldn't stand. but this time around i do not feel entitled. this time around i will take what i can get, hope for the best and brace for a fall.

tilobrar

2008-10-30T12:17:00.002-04:00

for a short while, I felt free
just moving along
everything in its right place
just sitting, thinking good thoughts
not actually worrying over anything

but then don't you just always
come back to this so called 'reality'?
That other place can be so much better.

This
is
The Incredible Lightness of Being
rock and roll

completely free and at a harmony point.
the feeling of light, not dark.
the feeling of light, not weight.

the feeling is never quite real
then again it's probably the true purpose of why we do.
why i do anything.
when i don't want the pain
and i don't want the uncertainty of never knowing
i find my place. i find my point and i think.
i go down the paths and i am not lost any longer.
i know exactly where i am and everything just is.
true. pure.

come to me. is how this goes. falling out of reach. farewell.

cast in the haze (been there four days)

2008-10-28T00:11:00.003-04:00

i think i love you

le rouge et le noir

2008-10-17T13:08:00.002-04:00

ooh, i'm bored. the red and the black online!!!!

and then below are a bunch of pieces of lyrics of of Montreal~~~~!

http://dactrung.net/truyen/noidung.aspx?BaiID=1e3AUP%2faaOEgBOab7gKAOA%3d%3d

CHAPTER 19
To Think Is To Be Full of Sorrow

The grotesque character of everyday occurrences conceals from
one the real misery of passions.
BARNAVE

CHAPTER 22.
Manners and Customs in 1830

Speech was given to man to enable him to conceal his thoughts.
MALAGRIDA, S.J.

CHAPTER 26
The World, or What the Rich Lack

I am alone on earth, no one deigns to think of me. All the
people I see making their fortunes have a brazenness and a
hard-heartedness which I do not sense in myself. Ah! I shall
soon be dead, either of hunger, or from the sorrow of finding
men so hard.
YOUNG

Book II

CHAPTER 13
A Plot

Disconnected remarks, chance meetings turn into proofs
of the utmost clarity in the eyes of the imaginative man,
if he has any fire in his heart.
SCHILLER

CHAPTER 24
Strasbourg

Fascination! Thou sharest with love all its energy, all
its capacity for suffering. Its enchanting pleasures, its
sweet delights are alone beyond thy sphere. I could not
say, as I saw her asleep: She is all mine with her angelic
beauty and her sweet frailties! Behold her delivered into
my power, as heaven made her in its compassion to enchant
a man's heart.
_Ode_ by SCHILLER

CHAPTER 36
Painful Details

Do not look for any weakness on my part. I have
avenged myself. I have deserved death, and here
I am. Pray for my soul.
SCHILLER

My lover, I've been donating time to review
All the misinterpretations that define me and you

I'm thinking about you
In my secret language
Cuz I know you're the only one
Who can help me take it easy
Now I'm happy in the head
Knowing there's no sucker in the world
Who's a threat to us
You become material
It's like hey you were always there
just on the tip of my tongue
And I needed you to happen, yeah
And now that you happened
And it really really really came true
I feel like I oughtta thank somebody
So I'm gonna thank you
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thank you, thank you
--------------------------------------------------------------------

When we get together
It's always hot magic
When we get together
It's always we are the champions, my friends
When we get together
We're gonna hit
What you work with

Ooh, you've got such super wicked style
Show it to me baby
Let me see it baby
Show me to your baby

All I care to hear
All them standing gray insects inside the house machines
Knowing what's coming next
Something temporary reference for the other side
All I care to hear
Elitist's commentary about some fated press limited edition
I hear the toy ball bouncing on Jihad would do their elegant conceit
All I care to hear
You have such power to destroy
No time to process that now
So iconic in my mind
----------------------------------------------------------------------

we can do it softcore if you want
but you should know i take it both ways

georgie said romantic love is flat
(georgie said that)

only for people with no real ambition in
their lives (no lives)

Our bodies became what has been him
so really turned off
Became a freaky permutation
Something like Voltron
Then I was wrapped in discourse with the magazine reader
The mutual conclusion was
I'm not worth knowing because I'm probably dead
So I'm exposed but no solution
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why am I so damaged girl
Why am I such poisoned goods
I don't know how long I can hold on
If it's gonna be like this forever
---------------------------------------------------------------------

I wanna be your love
I wanna make you cry
And sweep you off your feet

I wanna hurt your pride
I wanna slap your face
I wanna paint your nails

I wanna make you you scream
I wanna braid your hair
I wanna kiss your friends

I wanna make you laugh
I wanna dress the same
I wanna defend you

I wanna squeeze your thighs
I wanna kiss your eyelids
And corrupt your dreams

I wanna crash your car
I wanna scratch your cheeks
I wanna make you sick

I wanna sell you out
Want to expose your flaws
I wanna steal your things

I wanna show you off
I wanna tell you lies
I wanna write you books

I wanna turn you on
I wanna make you cum
Two-hundred times a day

I wanna dry tears
Every time your sad
I wanna be your what's happening

I wanna be your only friend

I only go all the way
This time I'm not pretending

I can't take the trash
Your trashy friends are spreading about us
They've got like fifty personalities
Oh girl, that's so messed up

You see that sculpture on the hill?
That's where she cleared me out
Forever

They're monitoring my sub-conscious massacres I know
Bringing it closer to the surface so it's easily pervertable

I want to be a beast
I want to make you proud
And play with your head

I want to take you out
Make you feel adored
And buy you everything

I want to hurt you bad
Make you paranoid
And say the sweetest things

I want to help you grow
And for eternity
I want to be your what's happening

What's happening?
----------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess I should be happy for you, for your success and all that
But your fame ain't got nothing for us
I supported you kid, back when no one else did (oh yeah, oh yeah)
You know I waved your flag, back when no one else did
I just want things to be the way they used to be,
When you only set a place for me

You don't have to try to steal no nothing from my heart
Because for you anything you want is always free
Send your freaky fantasies to my phone
Black Converse on and an ice cream cone
Now that I'm not a virgin to you you'll never walk alone
Far beyond the several years of shame
I live to make you call my name
(Call my name)

Guess I should be happy for you, for your success and all that
But your fame ain't got nothing for us
I was your booster babe, back when no one else cared (oh yeah, oh yeah)
You know I celebrated you (I'm hard for you girl),
Back when no one else even thought to
I just want things to be the way they used to be
When you only saved a seat for me
Come back! Come back!

I feel so at peace
Why is the sky karma
I think I'm the one I got from
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

reckoner - radiohead

2008-10-08T00:26:00.001-04:00

Radiohead - Reckoner - by Clement Picon

The Incredible Lightness of Being

2008-10-03T12:27:00.001-04:00

A moment and it’s gone. Our memories consist of swathes of time – when we lived in that house, did such and such a job, were in a certain relationship... But actually, do such blobs of time really exist? Are our lives divided into bite sized logical chunks or actually, do they merely comprise thousands of unrelated moments all shimmering in space?

Looking backwards, we organise our memories into events, holidays, happenings. Looking forwards, we organise our imaginings into ‘what might happen’ often based on our fears, and put energy into imagining how we would react if the feared thing did happen, and how we would then feel... argh! A lot of energy goes into that, and meanwhile, we are at the beach, sipping a cocktail, maybe not tasting it, and not noticing the beautiful sunset!

I recently stayed at Tecekula, and went fishing early one morning with a local fisherman. With a beaming smile, he took me to his distant water platform and we whizzed in circles, line extended, coolie hat over my eyes, laughing at nothing and everything. Suddenly we caught a fish, and he let me pull it in. Grabbing it in his rough square hands his face opened in utter joy, just a like a child, and he laughed gleefully. I was amazed! He looked like he was catching his first ever fish! I thought it so wonderful that he could feel such joy from something so simple and for him, so everyday. I felt a great sense of envy and admiration for his life.
How can we be more present? How can we ‘be here now?’ There is only NOW. The past is done, the future ain’t come yet. It is always so, yet how we forget...

Why do we absent ourselves from the present, anyway? I suppose mostly, because we are uncomfortable with our feelings. Rather than just allowing our feelings to be as they are, embracing them, we tend to reject, numb, switch off, substance abuse, alcohol, TV distract and any other form of removing ourselves from what is happening right now. Hey – feelings are scary! What to do? Well, the only thing to do with feelings is to... feel them. Acknowledge them, embrace them. Accept them for what they are. Don’t judge them (like, beat yourself up for having the feeling). Allow it to be. Embrace it. Then notice and feel what feeling is under the feeling. Just keep going. It is so liberating and you will discover that any feeling will dissipate like magic if you just allow and embrace it. It’s only when feelings are repressed that they grow and become a problem.

A hint: you don’t have to act upon your feelings necessarily. (This can make feeling them less scary!) You can choose to just notice them, and embrace them. You don’t have to necessarily go hit someone just because you feel angry. You can just notice you are angry, embrace that, and be with it.

Making judgements is the way to create hell for ourselves. This is where we take something that has happened and judge it, make it bad, rather than just noticing how it is and allowing it to be. For example, someone trips you up in the street and you imagine that they have some grudge against you, or that ‘the universe has it in for you’ or some such. All that has actually happened is someone’s foot stretched out in front of yours and you fell over it. Judgement is the ‘so-and so shouldn’t do this, shouldn’t do that’ kind of mentality. Then we beat ourselves up, put energy into thinking how we want things different from how they actually are. This is suffering, and self-created. Heaven is, you’re in the street, you fall over, you get up, and there’s an end to it.

Exercise in being present: Get conscious of what you are doing right now. Notice your breathing. Notice your thoughts. Notice what your hands are feeling, your body. Listen to the sounds around you. What can you smell, taste? Come back to the moment. What to do when you are panicking about the future? Do the above exercise, then consider the risks that are actually threatening you right here, right now. Most likely you are curled up on a couch all cosy and right NOW everything is fine! So make the decision to ‘worry about everything else later’ and get on and enjoy the moment!

Balinese people are masters of the moment. After four days of no water supply from the government in the village, still when water does come, nobody thinks to fill the mandi (bath) bucket ‘just in case’! They look at me blankly when I suggest it, as if to say ‘eh? We have water now, don’t we?’ I have to admire them for that!

http://www.baliadvertiser.biz/articles/spiritual/2003/the_incredible.html

all those yesterdays

2008-10-03T11:43:00.001-04:00

the doctor prescribed me wellbutrin. so i'm hoping that it makes some kind of difference.

this(all)=not me anymore.

melted wax

2008-10-02T11:05:00.003-04:00

my father gave me all the opportunities
i would have ever needed
to break free.
he gave me intelligence, strenth, and wings.

with caution i was taught not to fly too high or low.
you are not to go near the sun
or fly too close to the sea.

but what did he know?
was i going to listen?
the free flying, escape from life
it felt so great.
i was getting careless
and i felt i knew better.

what harm does it do to feel
the warmth of the sun
and to feel the mist of the water?
up, down, and further up i went.

pretty soon i got too close
to the sun, for that's just
what i was destined to do.
like icarus my opportunity
escaped me as my device, my wings,
my freedom melted away.

i've been crashing back down
to earth in this freefall
looking at the floor.
it's going to hurt.
i'm almost there.
but its okay. it's just pain
maybe there will be a repreve.
or maybe the crash will be fatal.
there's only one way to find out.

the west won a long time ago. have you not paid attention?

2008-09-28T03:10:00.005-04:00

and i shut down work fifteen minutes early so that i could hang out...and for that fact i was feeling completely ill due to personal reasons.

i could not concentrate on work, i just needed it to be over so i could communicate with someone who had some understanding as to what complete bullshit i was feeling.

when that bs was made abruptly clear to the person involved i had to obviously, completely, deny it. i don't understand what i was going through whomever heard.

i, just for me, need to make some sense out of what is; is going to and what will not be going on. i need to realize that there is no future and that i cannot expect great things. there is no longer a new york dream that i had many years ago and there is not the idea of going west to san francisco like what came after.

apparently there is only here for about five years, because until then i am hindered to any advancement.

and that is the most depressing thing. i only want to move forward, to see what kerouac saw, and to dream what the genius' believed to be true. but the state of pennyslvania will not allow me conveniences unless i have immediate family. marriage or death is all i have going for me and i will never understand why that is so. because it seems like nothing else than a problem.

by the time i am too old to enjoy the life i have always dreamed of, i will find a way out there. the moon, the bluejay, and the wind have not stopped. so they will have me back soon to finish.

man on the moon, forever mine.

2008-09-27T02:45:00.002-04:00

i hate being alone. i think most people are like that. solidarity is a sobering event. you're by yourself doing whatever it is that you do and all you think about is 'why can't there be someone here right now, watching over me, making sure everything is okay?'

why can't there be someone here, watching over me, making sure everything is okay? well, because i am alone. i remember the second time i screwed up something important; i couldn't sleep by myself. so...at age 24 i slept with my mom. that's soooo weird. but i was afraid. i was afraid i wouldn't wake up in the morning, i was afraid that when i did wake up everything would be gone. i was upset all of the time and uncontrollably letting the evil take hold.

it's been over a year and i still feel this way. of course i let some parts of life get back to normal, like sleeping in my own bed....but it never got any easier. there's something out there, i know this for a fact. it's more like a fact of faith, yet still....

there is something out there that i know will be comfortable. i don't want it to be easy. i just want it to be right. i want to know that i can go to sleep at night and not worry about losing everything in the morning. it's some kind of faith in god that i'm looking for. i'm sick of being afraid. i want something to take the fear away. i want something to show me that it is in truth going to be fine.

*********************************************************************************

there was always a candle in the window, waiting for your return. i knew not to worry when you were out all night, even when the wind was blowing and you were walking the tracks. i knew that despite the alcohol and the drugs you were going to come home. i did not know that it was not going to last forever. i had put all my soul into you and it was twisted about. never again was i going to fall for such lies or truths. these stars were ours. our moon looked down on us in disbelief. we messed something up. but the gods gave us another chance. you walked down your path and i, mine. the stars have realigned and the moon has whispered in my ear. it is time yet again for you to go so far. and with these new obstacles will be a true test. no longer will it be easy. only now is it real. when you fall again, i will not spread out a blanket of earth to catch you. it will be up to you. extinguish that candle for it served a different purpose. go to sleep forever, undisturbed and you will find no fear. if you must wake to find some peace then take heed and wait. for soon this will all be yours.

watch out. stay away.

2008-09-26T12:09:00.003-04:00

darling, just let it be! you're going nowhere with this.
but i tried, honest.
honey, you've really not.
but i did, why won't you believe me?
no one can believe a liar.
but i didn't lie.
yes you did.
but i didn't tell you what i thought
and wasn't that just a lie?
smirky bastard!
and you know i can't talk to you when you're like this
i know that, i can't talk to myself when i'm like this.
so you're just wasting all of our time.
but i want to talk, i want it all out there.
but honey, seriously, no one cares.
I CARE!
no one else does. just remember that. please? for me?
but i care...

so when you're not so upset i'd like to have another chat.
i can't seem to talk to you ever. you're always putting me down.
no, i'm not, i really just try to be realistic.
and your realism is a punch.
isn't that a good thing? don't you want to work things out?
yes, of course. but i want things to stay the way they are.
you know they won't. that's life. it's ever changing.
change, fuck it. little change is great. big change, fuck, fuck.
shhh....be quiet now.
okay. right now.

baby monkey wants his bananas

2008-09-26T11:22:00.007-04:00

I am going insane you know? All the lies I told, secrets i kept to get what i wanted. For instance - Rome. "Rome wasn't built in a day - No. Rome was built in Many days; days full of wars, battles, bloodshed and betrayals.

I am the devil. I scheme in the dark, cold basement. A room with a broke down orange 70's couch, reupholstered, a television set from the 80's that has the power to turn ON after OFF had been pushed, walls written on by a 'tall for her age' five year old also from the 80's, and an early 90's computer with a bad connection.

Great, my point was i construed conversations, thought out and enacted ideas and revealed my truths. The amazing thing was it worked. I ventured far from the confined walls and was loving every second, a personal tragedy to live in and i was the lead portrayer.

Why this makes me insane, if you don't already think so, is the fact that i mis-calculated. I was wrong - there really was that tragic ENDING! [but i never saw it coming, i ignored all the warnings, on purpose(?)]

No, no that i can't except, no i had to prolong the 'death' scene by grasping at air for what seemed like an eternity, (maybe the death has not yet arrived?) by picking and writing out every little detail, deliberating on what i 'should have done' and dreaming of their hopeless actualities.

I am in fact in the 'play of life'. I had my cue, telling me to plead, bargain, beg for my life which after the cue is given to my beloved villain to finally put a near fatal end on my spot-light moment. The one where i start hoping my white horseman prince has been picking out my cries of help. It's that moment i also realize my mistake of choosing the villain because a lot more credible events would have happened.

I close my eyes fearing the blow in these grey-dark woods ever so slightly lit by a silver moon and i see only the white horseman, he wouldn't get the chance to say goodbye.

This is my last attempt, one last plea...
And finally, as these thoughts disperse into distant memories.....

to be continued one day...

2-17-03

and it's been continuing for as long as i can remember. year after year. same old, same old. there are different actors but the story remains the same. they say, if you keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting that different result...well, we all know what they say. so why do i do that?

there's never been an answer available to me. not one that i will acknowledge. i'll just keep setting myself up for another fall. I must be a thrill seeker. enjoying self-harm. loving the feeling of being thrown to the ground, gravity preventing escape from the heaviness of heart.

so many times your statement of purpose has been explained. and i keep thinking that if i wait, or say something different, or do something else, or let you be who you want to be, you'll let me stay and we'll start the new act together. curtains up, stage left, forward a few steps. and there will be my chance to shine.

instead i take opportunity to give away the best for free. and i know that i will get nothing in return. as soon as something wanted does come around i am pushed aside and every time it hurts a little more. 'you've served my purpose, thanks for wasting your time.' so i'll tell myself, 'self, get over it!' it's not worth getting worked up over.

things aren't going to change and it's not going to be strange. don't over think things. one day at a time. and maybe tomorrow you'll have not one thing that was there today. however you might.

'however' is from the villain, however it may, might, could, just kills. the villain disappeared. my dark soul left. the white horseman trotted away. so i found the peasant. he showed me the way to go about picking up the pieces. he showed me histories i already knew but had forgotten. i lost my first genius and found another. and another. and another. there were no shortages. but i never mixed well. what did i need in order to keep what i wanted?

this is nothing. there is nothing. when you have nothing you lose just a little of yourself instead. blank. it's time for a recast! it's time for the improv. it's time for upheaval.

this may never be finished...
9-26-08

pickin' the posies

2008-09-25T23:58:00.006-04:00

so she told me that i had better watch out.
those two, aren't too much different.
but what does that mean? what?
and it's all about convenience. not true friendship.
and i told her i knew just that.

but what does it matter?

because you're falling for him she said
admit it, you're in love.
you might as well tell me.

no i'm not.

I AM NOT

but i do appreciate the fact that you care.

no one will treat me that way again!, is what i say...
yet everyone does.
why?

shut up and listen, i will not do this again.
again and again
WE ALL FALL DOWN!

i know i'll start back at the beginning when the world moves on.

it already ended.
i know that.
i'm not that crazy.

so it's time to sleep i say, where dreams of fruits and twists are plenty.

love u - blitzen trapper

2008-09-25T12:08:00.006-04:00

i love you baby
like a thief love money
like a wheel got a roll
like my shoe got [soul]!

make a left, at the second street light, keep going straight.

2008-09-25T01:22:00.004-04:00

what the hell am i doing right now?

i can't figure which way is up and which is down.

where will this road take me? it's all i ask but there's no passenger telling me in the seat next to mine.

i'll take another left, and another, but to avoid going in circles, how about a right?

right?

no, left.

and i'll end up back where i started.

utterly lost, directionless, hopeless.

but there's hope.

always?

ah, fuck it.

2008-09-04T22:45:00.001-04:00

seriously, i just wanted to have a somewhat normal night.

instead....my power steering went out. and i lose my license in less than two weeks.

and then when all i wanted to do was play a couple of games like backgammon and skip-bo my friend's cat spills beer everywhere and he freaks out. he needs to clean it instead of waiting until, oh let's say tomorrow because by the time he cleans it it's going to be dry on his sheets any way and won't make any difference.

i suppose he just didn't want to play any games.

never ending

2008-08-28T12:05:00.000-04:00

never ending.

Your words. Do you listen to yourself?
You’ve taught me lessons that no one else
could possibly comprehend.

You speak and all I hear is song…
Do you see me like I see you?
Can you catch hold of the stars?

You know what I’m thinking.
I’ve asked you time and again.

Just how do you know so much?

12-11-01

che,..

2008-08-28T12:01:00.001-04:00

che,..

the people who most have it figured out,.. still end up dying alone in a ditch somewhere in argentina, bolivia, western pennsylvania.

wait che,.. youll see.

and did you exchange,..
a walk on part in the war,..
for the lead role in a cage?

who stole the pickles from my pockets,..
honey ,.. you perfect alliteration,.. is nothing without your soulful masterbation.
please dont remember,.. the importance of flatulance,..
in a small car rolling on the side of turbulance

a statement of purpose is not an innappropriate request

sad. for some reason i like boys that are asses.

2008-05-29T00:04:00.005-04:00

i will never understand you.

i told you how much i missed you. i am jealous and shouldn't be. i'm just a horrible person who only deserves to be used in whatever way man sees fit. i am not worthy. i must be trash. i don't believe this - yet it must be true. that's how everyone treats me.

3

2008-05-15T16:26:00.003-04:00

13,14,(15)

one year, two year, three years ago....

how strange.

is it that time?

soon, everything is going to close.

and it will be over.

and i will have my thoughts to keep me happy/sad

stir crazy

get up, get out, come in, don't leave.

and everything will be better. there's nothing for you to worry about.
make peace with your love so that my sadness isn't senseless.

there is always a light on, in the window - waiting.

let's go explore some familiar places:

someday i'll go back and get more clams.

pennsylvania beauty

my university of life

i love traveling along interstate 80. east and west.

there's something special about south dakota.
"

the badlands. i will return.

i saw dirt devils along this highway. people would place black stones to write out names. it was calm. it was relaxing. it was amazing.

this hotel is luxurious, the beds are so comfortable and the sun rises so incredibly early in the summer.

i rode along this highway and really got to see how beautiful the coast can be.

february 29th

2008-03-03T13:56:00.003-05:00

february 29th

i sit and think about what has happened.
what i am not ever supposed to say
what is just a secret.
but girls don't really keep secrets unless its between someone they love.
and this girl likes to tell certain people so there are no secrets left.
but this is not something to brag about.
this is personal and only between two people
this is a cheating man and a careless girl.

i think we justified some lessons on sex to make it alright
but it's never alright for you to have done what you did.

you might not care if the one you love
messes around with someone else
but i don't think she would agree if
you were to do just that.

i never want these nights to end

i never wanted to ruin the decency between us

'just don't do anything' - ahhhh, okay.

messing around in your car, sneaking around in your mothers basement, that little bit of mystery and danger. i make nothing but a fool of myself.

you are a beautiful person and almost what i would have been looking for

but you belong to no one except the one you love...
i know that!

oh what do i want to say.
i just want to say i liked it.
i'm sorry if it's wrong.
i know i wasn't any fun.
i know its to never happen again.

i don't understand why you or i let me do what i did.
i want to talk.
no one ever talks afterwards.
shrug it off i suppose.
chalk it up to alcohol and hormones.
and then there's me, creeping away from the act
to go and start over
like nothing has ever happened.

this is why on leap day you can do whatever you want and there are no reminders of a day that doesn't exist for four whole years.

let me sleep on it

2008-03-03T02:34:00.004-05:00

i've got a secret.

just hush hush you know?
just between you and i.

it's those goddamn social bedwetters.

i know you think i'm mad. and i just might be.

cause revolutions need victims and i only need a few more.

i never understood that. everything i thought i knew and everything that was true was this way and that. some of my best moments were awhile ago. i am waiting for more but i have found no replacements for the life i once lived.

my musicman, the writer, the poet. my genius.

so i love the fucked up, eccentric soul.

there is more out there, somewhere. nothing is too unique.
there are similarities everywhere.
there is that weird moment of
'i remember this'.

but do i really remember it? it's all distorted.
perhaps all delusions of grandeur.

with you back up against that wall.

why are you always up against everything?

do we not give in, give up?

staring like you just don't care.

but see, i know that you all cared a little too much.

was it ever even enough for this sick girl?

nights of cabi..err...meeegan

2008-02-29T12:22:00.002-05:00

i don't know if i'll ever really understand you boi.

your happiness is masked by your strange willingness to teach me a couple of things.

fruity twist, yum.

i think you're good, but i am really hung over. and i only had three hours of sleep. and i have to work 8 hours real soon.

but i will personally admit that the craziness was worth it.

i want to give everyone a hug.

Europeans watch Democratic primaries with trepidation

2008-01-29T14:46:00.000-05:00

Europeans watch Democratic primaries with trepidation
January 27th, 2008 by Brij Khindaria
Europeans are watching the run up to Super Tuesday with a mixture of trepidation and bemusement after Barack Obama’s overwhelming win in South Carolina, where he captured 80% of the black vote.
There is trepidation because the person and party that rule America have an extraordinary influence on the fate of Europeans, who are close military and economic allies of the US. Bemusement because the primaries are turning into a circus at which the audience sits in nail-biting tension waiting to see who falls to the ground from the trapeze.
The Democratic primaries are perplexing in light of how non-Americans have traditionally perceived the Democrats. Suddenly, a white woman and a black man are sniping lethally at each other over race and religion. For most Europeans, it is scary that Obama is being called a Muslim simply to use the fear factor against him and must repeatedly prove his Christian faith to avoid losing votes. A black Christian who is forced to use the name of Martin Luther King to bolster his credentials both as an African American and the right kind of Christian is a sight Europeans would prefer not to have to see in a democratic process.
It is even scarier that American voters are being forced to divide on racial lines because of the Clinton-Obama chasm. Obama says race does not matter but it does because he won South Carolina because of it. Clinton claims she is race neutral but she is corralling Obama in the black corner to turn white voters away from him.
Many Europeans saw the rise of Hillary Clinton as a beacon of decency in US politics and a sign that Americans are finally catching up with Sri Lanka, India, Ukraine, Israel, Argentina, Britain, Germany and Pakistan. But the sleaze and racial and religious undertones of how she hits at Obama is souring European perceptions.
Her campaign managers probably think they are creating a perception of her as a bold, decisive and humane woman with the extraordinary intelligence required to cope with America’s and the world’s problems. To non-Americans she appears to be a mean street fighter who might be a vindictive and war-mongering President if her pride is crossed. She looks like the caricature ugly American who will stoop to anything to win. If she does this now, she might do so in foreign policy as well.
Worse, it is still unclear whether she has legs of her own. Bill Clinton is well-liked around the world, but the sight is not edifying of him dominating the campaign of a woman on whom he cheated and a potential President with whom he has an unclear relationship about who wears the pants.
It is hard to find a European observer who knows what Hilary stands for. Is she for the Iraq war or against it? Would she bomb Iran or talk even if it takes a long time? Is she for tax and interest rate cuts, or other inflationary measures, to save the US from recession? What will she do if foreign sovereign funds continue to buy into major US icons because American money cannot be found to save those companies?
Mostly important, is she capable of standing on her own feet in times of crisis or must she sit on Bill’s shoulders to make a difference to America and the world?
John Edwards has mostly been written off already. He is perceived as a Southern populist whose populism is irrelevant to modern America and the modern world. For most Europeans, like it or not, the US is currently the sole credible world leader. The problems its President must solve for America and the world are far too complex for populism and rhetoric.
Let us hope, things look a little better morally and ethically by Super Tuesday.

yah, yeah, yea, ya.

2008-01-25T11:55:00.000-05:00

My good day turned into a bad next.

there's not a lot that i can do to make things right around me. there are all sorts of troubles that i can get into great detail with but will choose not to at this moment.

but yesterday i won some money in the lottery, no kidding. i was happy. kind of. of course also yesterday, bob, the evil lottery man, begged me to do his tickets even after i said i couldn't. that's strike one. also yesterday, a lady that i do see quite often in the store was wanting to buy milk and she had forgot her card. i allowed her to write a check because, well....it's not a habit and she doesn't exactly seem like someone without money in her account, especially four dollars. striek two. there should not be a problem there. and i'm not supposed to play lottery again. okay. kind of a strike three...but not quite. i'm not out yet.

oh well. i will have to sit back, do my work and look good again. perhaps it's another turning point day. everything will be okay...

right?

t

did i travel safe, like a goose?

2008-01-12T02:59:00.000-05:00

12.1.08

i don't know what happened exactly...
10.1.08

So I know that I was at that house. i had just come back from taking a friend home. i brought goodies. camel menthol, not wides, but close enough, bugler, and some kind of potato chip. i remember playing cards. poker, right? and i wanted to play rummy. i love rummy. an acquaintance left after awhile. more cards. blackjack; (before the man left) and after. we played for chips. then i start to get foggy. what happened? damn cobwebs in my head. i think that i remember being in the front seat of my car fidgeting with music...or attempting to. i cannot be sure of who was driving at that moment in time but i know someone was. Then I'm not sure of what comes next. i remember fucking someone. my foot, my leg were in the air, i was interested in the dome light. it was good. i remember that... but i cannot see your face. i see a face of guilt and am i replacing one face with another? i lost my glasses. i lost my shirt. my brand new sweater. i need another one. but it's no longer available. who? oh my god. this is bad. ... here, take another drink, chase it with pbr. 'can i have more' ? sure. ... and i ended up in the backyard of someone's family. daylight shone through. i stayed up all night yet again. but i don't know what happened exactly. we hurried out from where we were. he drove my car to his house. he went home. i went home. i am still sore. i liked whatever it was i did that morning. almost kind of a whole lot. that makes me bad. at the boy who took my car, his house, i remember telling him, i think...?...that he was a good person.

fill in the blanks.

so says...

2007-12-13T23:17:00.000-05:00

lots of disappointment tonight.

you know, i have been there.....and i feel great about the fact that you wanted to call me to talk about the bad/good. is it either. maybe it really is in fact neither.

my compassion is still there somewhere. and i feel for you. but i know that no matter what you decide it won't matter so much. time is so short. we're all going to make 'this' decision that affects no one except you.

lovely, hold your head up.

The Land of Optomism

2007-10-15T23:04:00.000-04:00

http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,2191182,00.html

The land of optimism is in the dumps, but refuses to accept how it got there.

Not since Watergate has such pessimism afflicted Americans. They want politicians to lift them without facing the cause

On April 27 1968 the vice president, Hubert Humphrey, announced his presidential candidacy. It was a particularly troubled moment in America's recent history. Just three weeks after Martin Luther King's assassination, the cities were still scarred by riots while the country as a whole was deeply divided over the Vietnam war.

Presumably seeking to capture the mood of the nation, Humphrey started his speech thus: "Here we are, the way politics ought to be in America, the politics of happiness, the politics of purpose, the politics of joy; and that's the way it's going to be, all the way, too, from here on out." Within six weeks Bobby Kennedy had been assassinated.

America's self-image as the home of unrelenting progress - a nation of historic purpose and unrivalled opportunity where tomorrow will always be better than today - is the linchpin of its political and popular culture. Optimism, it seems, is a truly renewable national resource. It was used to build Bill Clinton's "bridge to the 21st century" in 1992, and powered the alarm clocks for Reagan's "new morning in America".

"The American, by nature, is optimistic," said John F Kennedy. "He is experimental, an inventor and a builder who builds best when called upon to build greatly." This optimism is the source for much of what makes the US simultaneously so revered and reviled, dynamic and deluded, around the world.

On one hand it articulates a hope, bordering on certainty, that a better world is not just feasible but already in the making. Released from the hogties of tradition and formality, such confidence is driven by possibility rather than the past. Winston Churchill once said he "preferred the past to the present and the present to the future". An American politician who wanted to get elected would say precisely the opposite. This optimism underpins the notions of class fluidity and personal reinvention at the core of the American dream. Where others might ask "Why?", it asks "Why not?". Such is the root of so much that is great about America's economy, culture and politics.

On the other hand this optimism has within it the notion that the US is the exclusive repository of these hopes and the sole means by which a better world can be made. Unfettered by history, consensus or empirical evidence, it is driven by myth rather than material circumstances. Even as class rigidity entrenches and personal reinvention slips, the dream remains. Like Stephen Colbert's spoof of George Bush, it has the capacity to "believe the same thing Wednesday that [it] believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday". It posits America as the world's future whether the world wants it or not. Such is the root of so much that is terrible about America's economy, politics and foreign policy.

This sense of optimism has been in retreat in almost every sense over the past few years. According to Rasmussen polls, just 21% of Americans believe the country is on the right track, a figure that has fallen by more than a half since the presidential election of 2004. Meanwhile only a third think the country's best days are yet to come, as opposed to 43% who believe they have come and gone - again a steep decline on three years ago. These are not one-offs. In the past 18 months almost every poll that has asked Americans about their country's direction has produced among the most pessimistic responses on record - a more extended period than anyone can remember since Watergate.

America, in short, is in a deep funk. Far from feeling hopeful, it appears fearful of the outside world and despondent about its own future. Not only do most believe tomorrow will be worse than today, they also feel that there is little that can be done about it.

There are three main reasons. Closest to home is the economy. Wages are stagnant, house prices in most areas have stalled or are falling, the dollar is plunging, and the deficit is rising. A Pew survey last week showed that 72% believe the economy is either "only fair" or poor and 76% believe it will be the same or worse a year from now. Globalisation is a major worry. Of 46 countries polled recently, the US had the least positive view on foreign trade and one of the least positive on foreign companies.

The sense that things will improve for the next generation has all but evaporated. Another Pew poll from last year found that only 34% of Americans expected today's children to be better off than people are now - down from 55% shortly before President Bush came to power.
Second is the Iraq war and the steep decline in America's international standing it has prompted. A global-attitudes Pew poll from last year showed that 65% of Americans believe the country is less respected by the rest of the world than it was - double the figure of 20 years ago. The fact that only half those polled thought this was a problem is telling.

For if the war in Iraq were going well then this probably wouldn't matter. But it isn't. All surveys show that for some time a steady majority of the public believe the war was a mistake, is going badly and that the troops should be withdrawn. One of the central factors in which America's self-confidence was predicated - global hegemony based on unrivalled military supremacy - has been fundamentally undermined.

Last week Lieutenant General Ricardo Sanchez, the former top commander of US troops in Iraq, spelled out the national despair, branding the war a "nightmare with no end in sight".
Which brings us, finally, to the political class. Once again the American public have lost faith. The rot starts at the top. Almost as soon as they elected Bush in 2004 they seemed to regret it. Since Katrina, his favourability ratings have been stuck in the 30s and show no signs of moving - or at least not upwards. Bush's only comfort is that public approval of the Democratically controlled Congress is even worse, hovering just below where it was shortly before the 2006 elections. In other words, however Americans believe their country will return to the right track, they no longer trust politicians to get them there.

Little suggests that anything will change any time soon. After four years of being told they were winning a war they have been losing and are better off when they are not, Americans are more wary of political happy talk than they have been for a long time. But that doesn't mean they want to hear sad talk instead, even if it happens to be true. For the central problem is not that they were lied to - though that of course is a problem - but that they have constantly found some of these lies more palatable than the truth. Bush may have exploited the more problematic aspects of this optimism. But he did not create them. Enough of the American public had to be prepared to meet him halfway to make his agenda possible.

Herein lies the challenge for the presidential candidates in the coming year - how to respond to this pessimistic mood without reflecting or discussing its root causes: to lay out a plausible explanation of how Americans can get their groove back, without examining how they got in this rut in the first place.

g.younge@guardian.co.uk

this is so sad

2007-10-02T10:19:00.000-04:00

News > Washington > Story
Many soldiers get boot for 'pre-existing' mental illness
By Philip Dine
POST-DISPATCH WASHINGTON BUREAU
09/30/2007
WASHINGTON — Thousands of U.S. soldiers in Iraq — as many as 10 a day — are being discharged by the military for mental health reasons. But the Pentagon isn't blaming the war. It says the soldiers had "pre-existing" conditions that disqualify them for treatment by the government.

Many soldiers and Marines being discharged on this basis actually suffer from combat-related problems, experts say. But by classifying them as having a condition unrelated to the war, the Defense Department is able to quickly get rid of troops having trouble doing their work while also saving the expense of caring for them.

The result appears to be that many actually suffering from combat-related problems such as post-traumatic stress disorder or traumatic brain injuries don't get the help they need.

Working behind the scenes, Sens. Christopher "Kit" Bond, R-Mo., and Barack Obama, D-Ill., have written and inserted into the defense authorization bill a provision that would make it harder for the Pentagon to discharge thousands of troops. The Post-Dispatch has learned that the measure has been accepted into the Senate defense bill and will probably become part of the Senate-House bill to be voted on this week.

The legislation sets a higher bar for the Pentagon to use the personality-disorder discharge, and also mandates a review of the policies by the Government Accountability Office. Bond said it also would "force the Pentagon to stop using this discharge until we can fix the problem."

Bond said he learned of the practice from returning Iraq veterans. He called it an "abuse" of the system and "inexcusable."

"They've kicked out about 22,000 troops who they say have pre-existing personality disorders. I don't believe that," Bond said in an interview Friday. "And when you kick them out, they don't get the assistance they need, they aren't entitled to DOD or Veterans Administration care for those problems."

Obama said the practice is "deeply disturbing" because "it means that those who have served this country aren't getting the care they need. …"

Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Todd Vician declined Friday to discuss the matter because it was related to current legislation.

Defense Department records show that 22,500 cases of personality-disorder discharges have been processed over the last six years.

Jon Soltz, an Iraq war combat veteran who founded the group VoteVets.org, said untreated psychological problems were contributing to the highest military suicide rate in a quarter-century and to growing homelessness among veterans, he said.

If such widespread mental problems really existed before people joined the military and saw combat, they would have been uncovered when the recruits were enlisting, Soltz said.

STRESS FACTORS
The issue of personality-disorder discharges is a window into the broader problem of psychological damage to Iraq veterans, which experts say has three main causes:
— Multiple and longer deployments.
— The stress of fighting an insurgency with no breaks and everyone always on the front line.
— Better and faster medical care that helps troops survive horrific physical injuries that often leave psychological scars.

"You land in Iraq, and you're on the battlefield, whether you're a quartermaster or a medic or a cook," said David Segal, director of the Center for Research on Military Organizations at the University of Maryland. "All you have to do is get on the highway to go somewhere from the airport."

The military and lawmakers are only slowly coming to grips with the consequences, Segal said.

"I think we have failed to recognize the extent of the problem," he said. "We've produced a problem that's going to be plaguing us for generations."

Past wars, through the Persian Gulf war, produced three casualties for every fatality, while now in Iraq "we're up to about 16-to-1," Segal said. Those killed are "really the tip of the iceberg" as far as the toll on soldiers, he added.

One Republican congressional staff member who works on military issues said the rationale behind the Pentagon's practice was: "We didn't break you, you were already broken. You're not our responsibility."

"One soldier I know received a diagnosis for a personality disorder after a 45-minute talk," said the staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "He'd been in the military 10 years, had made it his career, and then he was told he was being shuffled out in a couple of weeks. We keep getting these stories."

In the House, Rep. Phil Hare, D-Ill., is leading the effort to get similar legislation approved.

"It defies logic to think that tens of thousands of our servicemen and women slipped through the cracks during the pre-screening process," Hare said. "We have a moral obligation to review the discharge process and ensure we are getting it right."

stupid girl

2007-08-26T22:48:00.000-04:00

what makes me so stupid?

why do i do these things to myself?

i know better, i knew better....i didn't want to go...but i had to....i didn't have to.

i drove drunk.

i crashed my car.

i could have hit someone.

something worse could have happened and i could have prevented it by being smart. but i was not smart. i made a stupid mistake.

and now whatever happens, happens.

doggy funeral.

2007-06-18T23:11:00.000-04:00

so...i want to talk about my night. after i get a cinnamon scone.

so, i didn't get the scone but i found some chicken with capers and rice....

and tonight at work....this one kid that i bother on aim came in and we talked about nothing...again.

i wish i knew if he really wanted to talk and if so, what about...he seems like a nice guy...and i'm pretty sure he is.

and meatball came in twice to see me..but he's a squished meatball....and a bit creepy, but he gave me a free beer...

which i drank inbetween the really stron drinks dave made me....dave came in tonight and invited me over to mourn...nobie? and i drank and met his 'friend' jeff. and me and jeff talked and he wanted to hang out sometime....

so all and all, tonight was fun.

big pilot light at the refinery. sweet.

2007-05-22T10:35:00.000-04:00

what...am....i....doing?

nada

we were never friends...and you pretty much told me that. so...if we are not friends, when you call me to hang out, i will not!

sorry buddy.

i'll miss you bunches.

i'm holding a grudge. don't you at least understand why i am upset?
i'd think you would.
it's reasonable.
understandable.

shhh.

i'm in my chemistry class and i shouldn't be typing during this lecture on oil refining and the different types of carbon, c1, 2, 3, 5, 10, 18, etc. and the different additives for summer/winter, gah. now it's engine knocking.

see ya friends

i am supposed to forget My past!

2007-05-14T03:21:00.001-04:00

disappearing act.
24- 13/14-5
this wasn't supposed to be here.
i went to my grandmothers graves. the great and young and old.

'the one would smoke her lucky strikes, holding the cigarette up with a pin.
the other, my gram, had a belly i couldn't push in. she made the most wonderful cinnamon rolls with a maple frosting. on sundays we had a family dinner, everyone was there, catching up, getting ready for another week to begin. gone are those days.'

and i left you a cigarette, ken. i'll bring what you like next time.
i have a hard time letting go.
and i will suffer for it soon.

omfg!

2007-05-14T03:06:00.000-04:00

oh i'm so mad!!
and i'm kind of irked....

but i need to forget yet talk about it yet i should not do such a thing.

so...i wanted to leave you a message...

you can maybe one day ask me why i'm so mad...
'because someone asked me about something that in quotation marks...and said he told someone important to him it never happened.

oh my god.

you asshole.

again!!!

that was AGAIN!?

i am so crazy for falling for air.

and this was sexual air...not what i had before. that, I'm not Lying to You, This IS Going to Happen! air.

Abortion Rights!!

2007-05-10T23:24:00.000-04:00


	Sam Brownback	Brownback has referred to abortion as "a holocaust" and often compares it to slavery. He says Roe v. Wade should be overturned and has sponsored or cosponsored several anti-abortion Senate bills, including the Unborn Child Pain Awareness Act, the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act and the Unborn Victims of Violence Act.

	Hillary Clinton	Clinton says abortion rights are protected by the Constitution but that there is "an opportunity for people of good faith to find common ground in this debate." She says the government should actively try to minimize the number of abortions through better sex education and improved access to birth control. Clinton has praised religious groups for promoting abstinence.

	John Edwards	A supporter of abortion rights, Edwards also favors funding for "family planning." Edwards' presidential candidacy has won the support of a prominent abortion rights advocate, Kate Michelman, who is helping the campaign reach out to women.

	Rudolph Giuliani	When asked about abortion in a February 2007 interview, Giuliani said, "I hate it," but added, "I believe in a woman's right to choose." As mayor of New York City, Giuliani approved government funding for abortion and opposed a ban on partial-birth abortion, saying he wanted to "preserve the option for women." Prior to his first campaign for mayor in 1989, Giuliani opposed abortion rights.

	John McCain	McCain supports overturning Roe v. Wade and banning abortion except in cases of rape, incest or threat to the life of the mother. He has an anti-abortion voting record, and has promised, if elected, to appoint justices who "strictly interpret the Constitution of the United States and do not legislate from the bench."

	Barack Obama	Obama supports abortion rights. In the Illinois State Senate, he voted against a bill to ban late-term abortions. Obama said that he did not support the ban because it did not contain a clause to protect the life of the mother.

	Bill Richardson	Richardson supports abortion rights. In 2002, his spokesman said that Richardson is personally opposed to abortion but believes the decision to have an abortion is one that should be left up to individual women rather than the state.

	W. Mitt Romney	Romney describes himself as "firmly pro-life." He says he believes that abortion should be banned except in cases of rape, incest or to save the life of the mother. Romney acknowledges that earlier in his career, he was "effectively pro-choice," and as governor of Massachusetts, he kept a campaign pledge to protect "a woman's right to choose" despite his personal opposition to abortion.

http://pewforum.org/religion08/compare.php?Issue=Abortion

vote for john edwards. or obama..

2007-05-10T20:14:00.000-04:00

Both senators have voiced criticism of the way President Bush has conducted operations in Iraq.

Yet when they were given the chance to enact Sen. Russ Feingold’s measure ordering Bush to withdraw most U.S. troops by July 1, 2007(because it's unrealistic), both Clinton and Obama voted "no."

Obama didn’t take a seat in the Senate until 2005, so he didn’t vote on the 2002 congressional resolution authorizing Bush to use force in Iraq.

Clinton did vote for that resolution, as did 28 other Senate Democrats.

Obama and Clinton have disagreed on a few issues since the beginning of 2005, such as a mandate forcing automakers to achieve 40 mile-per-gallon average fuel economy by the year 2017. (why not? every other country can do it)

Obama voted for that mandate, Clinton against it, and the Senate rejected it on a vote of 67 to 28.

On Congressional Quarterly’s tally of how often senators support Bush’s positions on issues coming before the Senate, in 2005 Clinton earned a 31 out of 100 rating (with 100 meaning totally supportive of Bush) and Obama got a 33.

On the National Journal scale of liberal to conservative positions, again based on roll call votes in 2005, Obama rated an 82.5 (meaning he was more liberal than 82.5 percent of his Senate colleagues) and Clinton a 79.8.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15920730/

They opposed John G. Roberts Jr.'s nomination as chief justice, supported increased funding for embryonic stem cell research and backed the same nonbinding measure that urged President Bush to plan for a gradual troop withdrawal from Iraq.

But other votes reveal important differences between the Democratic rivals that distinguish them as they prepare to launch their anticipated candidacies. The areas of dispute include energy policy, congressional ethics and budget priorities, relations with Cuba(yay, cuba), gun ownership, and whether a senator can hold a second job.

In corn-growing Iowa, the first stop in the presidential nominating process, Clinton will have to explain the ethanol vote she cast on June 15, 2005. The senator recently softened her stance, but she is on record opposing a large federal boost for the grain-based fuel.

Obama voted for the ethanol mandate. "As a senator from a corn-growing state, Obama will have no problem on the ethanol issue and can tout his credentials on this score with a clear conscience,".

The two Democrats differed on other energy-related issues. In August, Clinton supported a bill to expand oil and gas production in the Gulf of Mexico, while Obama voted against it. During the 2005 energy debate, Obama backed an increase in vehicle fuel-efficiency standards, which Clinton opposed. Clinton voted against the energy bill itself because it was stuffed with oil industry incentives. But Obama supported the legislation because it included language that would double ethanol demand by 2012. - (because we need to quit being dependent on OIL!!!!)

One budget-related vote with broader political implications would have stripped funding for TV Marti, which beams television programming to Cuba, though the Cuban government jams the signal. Critics in Congress complain that the United States has spent almost $200 million on the failed effort and have targeted the program year after year.
Obama twice voted to cut off TV Marti funding, while Clinton supported maintaining it.
(and that sounds stupid, right? throw the money away, just put it in the trash) Those votes will have resonance in Florida, which is a key primary state and may reschedule its 2008 primary date from March to February.
Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs said the senator's opposition to TV Marti was primarily about cost. But within Florida's large Cuban exile population, one of the most powerful voting blocs in the state, Clinton's and Obama's stances ally them with distinct groups: the older hard-liners and a younger, more progressive group of second-generation Cuban Americans and more recent immigrants whose numbers are growing. Clinton "is going with the status quo," said Sergio Bendixen, a Miami-based pollster who specializes in Hispanic voters. Obama, he said, "is with the position of change."

The senators differed on a July 13 vote that would prohibit the confiscation of legally held guns during natural disasters (wtf?)-- a response to seizures by law enforcement officials in the New Orleans area after Hurricane Katrina. Obama voted to ban confiscations; Clinton was one of 16 senators opposing the restrictions. (yeah, cos we saw how crazy it got down there. what if someone wants what you have during that disaster, are they going to think twice about killing you with their illegally held legal handgun?)

In late 2005, Obama allied with Republicans to support creating an exception to Senate rules to allow Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) to continue practicing medicine on a not-for-profit basis. Clinton opposed the change, an aide explained, because she believes that senators should not have a second source of income. Gibbs said that Obama, as an author of two best-selling books, was sympathetic to Coburn's request. (yeah hillary, and it's okay for you to go around the country to earn your presidency candidacy.... but don't you dare donate your time and knowledge for non-profit benefit!!)

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/31/AR2006123101004_2.html

cigarette blues

2007-04-24T13:09:00.000-04:00

i haven't drank enough water because somewhere in there a whole lot of alcohol found its way in to my system.

so what do i do? i call roman on his birthday, two o'clock here still the day before there.

i want to quit caring about him all together but for some reason i cannot let go of what i wanted five years ago! that's disgustingly sick.

i suppose all i want is for a great man to say, let's move to someplace nice.

guess what? i have a nice guy who said 'lets move to maine' but i don't want to move up there with him....if it was someone else then sure....

i have quite a few guys i'd be willing to move away with...

blah.

i made more sense years ago. i've lost my mind.
i'm no good and that i've always admitted to that.
i am destructive and i haven't denied that either
when i wake up i am sad because i am no longer sleeping
when i go to sleep i am sad because i haven't seen your face
i'm sick of this.
i'm sick of myself.

when am i going to feel better?

these pills don't work (elavin 10mg)
i could be swallowing splinters of wood and have the same 'change' happen.

a work in progress.

2007-04-12T03:46:00.000-04:00

thomas, TJ Heston. Charlton Heston's cousin. I spent my first semester at WCU. I took his American History class; this was fall of '03. Anyways...I absolutely loved his class and looked forward to listening to this man teach us history and talk to us about life in general. He said to quit smoking cigarettes and joked about drinking. He was a fun man and my one regret about transfering to sru was not staying there and choosing to do something involving history. wouldn't it be kool to get a job at a museum, discussing pieces and writing articles about them? ah, to become a major or minor in history. I would have really enjoyed going down that route, all because of his teaching.

timothy ray - english - writing I

Schmidt Liselotte - music...

Kara Orhan micro? macro? econ. 8am, C-

i've been slacking from the get go.

do not declaw your cat, use nail caps!

2007-04-10T02:51:00.000-04:00

i convinced my mother not to declaw my tipsy.

we're getting nail covers/caps from softpaws.com

twenty-two dollars will get you a hopefully wonderful solution to the alternative of yanking out and breaking kitty bone just so you can avoid getting scratched...

now, i know my dad can't get scratched by the cat, no more injuries for him...so i hope this works well.

i'll let you know how this goes.

oh yeah, we got the yellow/green ones for him.

happy easter

2007-04-08T01:39:00.000-04:00

boy crazy

2007-03-31T03:03:00.000-04:00

what's a girl supposed to do when everything she's ever wanted has been taken away from her?

and i suppose you might be thinking, huh?

well, you should know that my dreams of a greater life have never amounted to anything but, well, dreams.

i was on the phone with my father the other day and i told him, 'well, i can't talk long, i'm going over to my friend's house' he quickly replied the obvious, 'you're never going to find a boyfriend if you keep handing out with him'.

hmm....so what are my dad's concerns? me finding someone? wow, i wanted to say, dad, yes, i feel the same way, but what's a girl supposed to do in my situation.

it's so hard to find myself a kerouac loving, radiohead enthusiast who can stand to listen to me ramble on about the future. but as they listen they'll definitely have to help me plan the trips to all the places i want to go.

'but you can't go all over the place without money'. why is that so true?

why couldn't, while on the way to seattle, a person stop in minnesota and visit the green giant? you really have to look at my pictures. and why not stop in Wyoming to see the Tetons? because on our journey there will be detours....mostly detours.

the funk

2007-03-31T01:03:00.000-04:00

your idol, he's been a contributor to this magazine.

now i know you're lying to me.

why do you say such things to me?

because i haven't submitted anything to your mag-a-zeen

so....um....yeah...uh....

i'm done with you.

wait, no, please, come back, we uh....we uh.....we have things to discuss

we have things to discuss? what? you are bothering me to no end.

but wait....please wait.

for what?!

i think you may have found something.

what are you talking about?

i think you may have found your muse.

do you really think such crazy things?

yeah, i do.

yeah? yes?

yes ma'am

excuse me?

i think things will be alright after all.

do you now?

yes ma'am.

but whatever i was supposed to do i was supposed to keep it funky

you're confusing me ma'am.

i think you're messing with me.

i think i'm telling you what's true

true to what?

true to your heart.

STOP!

yes ma'am.

it's been a couple of years

2007-03-31T00:43:00.000-04:00

my god, i just want to sit here and cry my eyes out.

lordy, that ain't no good.

fuck you.

so what the hell is a girl to do?
sit there and wait and wait for
her black knight to come riding along?

but the black knight, we know, was no good.

so her white knight is going to save the day, correct?

sure, whatever you say.

she can't forget about her black knight, god damn you!
don't make her do that.
don't make me listen to your bullshit
shut the fuck up
and don't say what i should do
i will not listen
you're not listening to anything i say
but what the hell is your problem?
you've asked me this already
have I? i don't believe you.

why is it we've been going around
in circles
for years?

i think it's because you can't move past
the past
and the past
is the past
but you can't move past it

ouch ouch

2007-03-22T18:42:00.000-04:00

i've been too tired to keep anyone up to date.

monday was creepy. i went to class and my one o'clock was canceled so i went to nikki's to buy some herbal green tea and when i came home, i was standing on the porch and all of a sudden i hear 'MEGAN'. who the heck is calling for me, and who do i know thats a tiny blonde....oh my god, it was claire vouga. i haven't seen or talked to her in over a decade. it had to have been one of the most awkward situations of my life. she introduced me to her fiance, grant...and mentioned she was finally graduating this year. i just didn't know what to say to her. by the time i got used to the fact that this girl who was my best childhood friend was standing in front of me again she had to go. then i had to go to work, stayed late talking to some kid, i was hopped up on tylenol with codeine and then i got to go to enp to see sara who was visiting on her spring break.

seriously i was having a overshock of people. saturday i went out with tim to compadres for strawberry margaritas....sunday i talked on the cell phone with roman, trying my best to force him to call me next month when he visits, monday i saw both claire and of course sara....i was only missing three people and my life would have been complete. it would have been okay to succumb to the back pain and die.

oh yes, my back is killing me like a mo' fo. but that happens every six months or so.

thats enough for now. i have to go away to see my friend.

flowers in your hair...

2007-03-19T01:29:00.000-04:00

i feel better. so i will have to tell you more about that later.

little blue pills

2007-03-18T02:46:00.000-04:00

i am addicted to advil pm. tylenol pm works too.

strawberry margaritas

2007-03-17T00:09:00.000-04:00

a little bird told me that boy was in the area...for a few days.

the next day i got a phone call that woke me up at one p.m.

the girl at work with the same name as me told me
someone came in to see you.
who?
someone in a tan truck.
were they tall?
yeah, they were able to see over the deli counter.
did they have dark hair?
yeah it was dark. they had a deep voice.

i know...but do i know?

and i wanted to know so bad. so bad i wanted to just say hello, hi, how are you?
i just wish we could be the friends we once were.

\can't

start over.

sigh

2007-03-13T02:27:00.000-04:00

sadness :(

hissing fauna, are you the destroyer?

2007-03-11T20:29:00.000-04:00

there's no one around tonight

my mom is in erie visiting my dad at the nursing home...and my sister is out with her boyfriend

and my only local friend is at work but i get the feeling he's getting really sick of me always calling saying, do you wanna watch a movie and smoke..cigarettes? and i'm going to stop smoking cigarettes soon because that's what everyone else is doing...right?

i miss sara, but she's far away in columbus and tim and i never seem to talk much. but i really hope that he decides to move to maine because i think i'd like to go up there and hide from the rest of the country. hopefully we get to go on our new england trip this summer...and it won't be to vermont this time....thankfully. thinking back that was a horrible trip. the land was beautiful, oh so beautiful but i've never had anyone not tell me a single truth for so long and then have it smack me in the face so hard...like surprise, sorry about all this....it's now my cue to cry uncontrollably and bother the neighbor!

and why is it old nasty guys from work hit on me, like nasty nasty squashed by your foot meatball who 'wants in my pants' and the american who has spent the past decade + years in brazil who said, i'm your neighbor, come over...alright for an older guy he seems interesting but no! why can't i find anyone i find interesting to like me back?

i feel like a nasty teenager....argh!

i think i'm going to burn the new arcade fire and of montreal and then go for a long drive into the country.

it's so cold up here too! sometimes i wish we'd turn the heater up past 68 degrees....but alas, no!

neon bible

2007-03-11T13:02:00.000-04:00

i've been feeling really bad lately. i can't seem to tell anyone. i have to be strong for my mom and dad and i'll deny that i'm too bad with anyone. i'm glad that i started writing in here more because i'm hoping this will allow me to write what i'm thinking and feeling....and do all the writing i have not been able to get done in so, so long.

it is a gorgeous day outside, the sun is finally out and bright with a bit of heat and the snow mountain outside in the parking lot is turning a miniature lake. lake of megan, 'it evaporated before it ever was...'

damnit

i miss, i miss, i miss, i want so much for things to go backwards.

it's been forever and a day since the last time i saw you in the way that makes me happy

and in another decade you'll have two children, a wife and a home

and i'll become that girl, that crazy girl you'll never talk to again.

where did 2:14 a.m. go?

2007-03-11T03:54:00.000-04:00

i don't know what i ever did to make you go so far away.
i always thought that we could talk
'we communicate well' ...and we sorta could talk well.
i did most of the listening...and asked most of the questions.
'what are you thinking?'
umm....i don't know...change the subject.
i'm far from perfect, just leave me alone
but don't ever leave me.
i can't take that
everyone has left me, all the time.

i had such a big white house not far from the river
and i would spray paint my house red with my best boy friend
and we'd sit and eat orange popsicles
we'd roll down our hill in big boxes
the stone ledge fence made the best roadblock
no one would ever want to see kids splatted on the raod.
mother said we ate poison berries
but i moved away from him forever
never to see 'til seven...

by seven i had to say goodbye to
the girl with almost the same last name
i had an e and she did not
but she tried to teach me cursive.
i found her once on myspace but
you aren't supposed to say hello after
so too many years?

and my other best friend
a boy 'bit younger
'you can't go to kindergaten unless you jump'
so said my mom and he.
jerks.
but i said michelango looked orange or yellow
and he was one or the other.
he broke his arm in fourth
we started growing slightly apart
we were in flute practice together
in fifth grade
he left me too.

take me someplace nice.
is all i ask
just once?

...
by third grade i cried watching my best friend move
trolls were fun, orphans and catgirls,
remember the island game? i was a bit bossy back then
sorry.
she only moved to nearby though
and even on the street aunt bee, bea once lived
a gorgeous house on the south side
then half a day away she went.

children can't do much with distance
letters were written and saved
but even the best will soon forget
to call, to write, to care.

what about adults?

and you left me
you promised me!!
and life worth living was lost
away you went to let me find
'that something that's new that 'how did i ever live without?''
that something that makes me not remember what i never had so much.

and i did a lot of bad things
and it peaked too many months ago
and i didn't know
so when i was with the replacement
the thing that made me forget
i had nothing yet again but a regret
and a good feeling for once

but i couldn't have that, no it would ruin my life...
and i'm sorry
so i rid my burden and hated my situation
and turned back to the new.
but even that was not fair
for someone else had got their way
i lost again and have yet to replace
because i'm too tired to try
or too sick of what i've become

and i'm here once again
distracted and alone.
and
perhaps it's time.
we'll just have to sit and wait.

goodnight again and
yes, i'm still here.

i hate myself

2007-03-10T22:47:00.000-05:00

i hate myself

i got a 40% on my intermediate accounting test!

and i still haven't figured out why i bother to continue....because perhaps i'm not that smart. or i don't try...and it's most likely the latter but what the fuck, a fourty per cent? i studied and studied....oh my god.

tonight mom stayed with me for three hours at work; until i closed. she's so sweet, she took out the trash for me and did all the lottery numbers.

i remember that five years ago i didn't hate her but i didn't like her.... maybe i still loved my mom but i was such a bitch to her. i can't understand why she's forgiven me for all the shit i've put her through but i've definitely changed and i think she has too. she had to break a little and i had to quit being a bratty child and somewhere we met in the middle. perhaps we can stroll on back to where she came from, because she's an awesome woman who's been through more than....than your mom!

okay, okay, okay...what!!!??!

i still want to leave this home that is not mine. why can't i be dependent and live on my own? because i don't have a full time job or the resources....there is no place i can work that will give me fourty hours and work around my school schedule....how do these kids do it? i have so much respect for sara, two kids, a job, school and a household to take care of! wow, i'd die of...of something.

okay, i'm going out. i invited myself over to my friends house....so instead of writing in here i should be on my way to the wonderful bourough of harrisville. at least it's not grove city...wait, i kinda like gc more....never thought i'd think that.

grrrrr

oh conan, stop!!

2007-03-08T00:40:00.000-05:00

oh conan o'brien....you drive me mad! or maybe it's that i've turned mad by 12.30 a.m. every night??

why am i going to college again?

is it because i want a great job that will make me enjoy waking up early every morning five out of seven days a week? i hate waking up in the morning. i like being awake for morning...but then i want to promptly go to sleep afterwards.

okay, i'll have an all night finance operation. ARE YOU IN DEBT? have you spent all your money on drugs and now don't know how you're going to pay for your beer? COME SEE ME and i'll slap ya and tell you what you're doing wrong...and sure, i'll manage your money. just don't come past 8 in the morning, i'll be sleeping...come to me late at night when you're in your darkest hour. we all know money rules the world.

NO!! benjamin franklin, where are you now? i want to start sleeping early and waking early. yeah. and moderation too. i want to WANT to study, i want to retain what i've been taught and i really, really want to get a passing grade on the gigantic test i'm having tomorrow...err...later this morning in less than ten hours.

i want a lot of things that i know i can't have.

i'm going to start telling myself what they are.

and i'm going to start yelling at myself when i start doing the things that aren't helping.

so...maybe later i'll tell you what those things are

but NOT NOW. i gotta study.

who is drinkin' with lincoln in the blue-black sky?

2006-11-26T15:40:00.000-05:00

i'll be drinkin' with lincoln in the blue-black sky many years from now. and so will you.
i can't wait for all this nonsense to be OVER!!!!

wait, it's not nonsense. i want my father to not be so sick. i want him to heal. i want him to stand up and walk around, not be so sad and say meggie, i'll be home after work.

but he can't walk and he's not doing so well and he hasn't been to work since may and he's stuck in a nursing home or he'll go to allegheny for surgeries and specialists and...and...

i've been seeing this counselor in hermitage. she's a great listener. she recommended me to somebody for a psych evaluation. ugh. she said i could change my mind but since it's free it wouldn't hurt. i just want to cry until the world gets better.

some people know how to speak their peace, get it out, let it be...and i'm stuck...in...a...rut.

i don't know.

i think if i dropped the tea cup you'd have been sad.

2006-06-12T01:55:00.000-04:00

with pretty much every moment that goes by, i think about you. i think about how i fucked it all up. then i think, there wasn't anything anyways. i don't understand why i feel this way at all. i just know that i've felt like this before and it's too much. what did i do wrong the first time? i believed. what did i do wrong the second time? i got attached. and i'd be okay knowing you were nearby but you're off serving the land you love without the curteousy to have let me known in advance...but who i am to them? maybe i didn't deserve their time. i was just a best friend, a lover, a depressed, whacked out crazy girl who doesn't have her emotions in check.

i always said you didn't have to work so hard....that i would pick up the slack.
it was my chance for you, you, you.

and i messed up.

and month after month it never gets any easier...

cheer up kid there

2006-05-21T03:28:00.000-04:00

jack say never drink outside your home. my home and the university of life, the falls. i had some baby wine, something sweet, white and yummy. like the fruity twist. and that was eight hours ago.

wow hon, i wish you didn't live to far away, i wish i could call you and you not be working or sleeping...i wish i could just let you know what's up and see what's going on.

the woman in the wheelchair that i pushed into the store and then recharged the mobile in the store. the slushie machine full of blue cloudy slush, the deli that got so backed up and the counters full of food containers, rolls and lettuce, oh and the burnt bacon was yucky. i got off at five and all my friends were busy, working, getting drunk, etc. and i drove to the falls. i sat there and chugged my baby wine and i drank some tea. i absolutely love green tea and i got water from the falls. hmm. i called around for something to do, i was forgotten about and not important enough to see and or talk to but then the nice people :) let me come over.

i drank my water and had a dark chocolate, some cigarettes, it was good, i even watched the mummy...then i had to go to the police station.

who reads this? no one? good!

yeah that wasn't fun. why can't people learn from others' mistakes? it kinda makes me sad. i hope i can remember some of this tomorrow and figure out what i wanted to actually write. until then, i'm going to bed.

good morning.

may 14 - one

2006-05-14T03:40:00.000-04:00

one year ago this morning i thought something was finally going my way. four days later my life was over. I thought nothing would ever be good again then my tom who was no selfish dreamer, my jim who will one day call, offered me the kind of help that seemed right.

cheer up kid there, you did the right thing.