death by sunshine

still, yes...

still not available

i am still not here.

i don't know where i actually am.

going through, passing along, looking down.

over.

my head hurts a lot and it's too cloudy.

i'm in love again with something i can't have

because no matter how much i will it, it's not mine to keep.

lord never wanted it to be easy for me.

or you for that matter.

but when i thought it could be so

so easy to just be

i had to remember that you were too great

and i was just not

so forever i am free to want for so much

that i can never have.

??

soon. i'll be back soon.

there is no key

and when i finally get to see your beautiful face i know that your intentions are raw.
i know that i am meaningless to you in any form other than friend.
but i do not know if i am that at all.


tell me what i am to you
and perhaps i won't feel like
all is lost in this endless circle.

time is not real, it has been created by man.
and we could feel endless if only you'd allow.

i am ready to jump of the ledge and free fall to soft ground.
instead i rise to high in intentions and thought
and am sucked into nothingness beyond the realm of real
when i scream to have life let me back in
the gods decide to laugh at my attempt

here i will stay

until i can find a doorway through which i can enter.

in need

This is not getting any easier. and all this is is a lot of uncertainty. because i know we are nothing and you care little. and i want you to have cared too much like another. but you are you and not some other. and i am in the same place i've always been. that is without you, the one who cares enough to call so late and talk all night. the one who holds my hand as we walk during the night. the one who is in search of experience and the thrill that there is. the one who will one day settle down for the completeness for joy for love.

when i waited up all night wondering if so and so was going to survive drinking so much, walking miles along the railroad tracks, all during a wind storm, i figure i don't mind the wild. i mind the not knowing. and i just wanted to be included but to go so long without your voice leaves me lost. my artist, genius, writer of good, lover of travel, my muse, my natas hope, my hope, my love.

i'm sitting here again in the same spot doing the same old thing, crying and waiting. i want to sleep forever. i neeed a cigarette. i need a new life.

not available at the moment

what is up? selclusion.

thanks for calling.

sorry for ignoring.

i need a few days alone.

i'll be back by the weekend.

i promise.

caliban loves you for who you are not

what did i do? i let all your secrets out. i don't need any secrets. don't tell me, don't expect me to keep. i want everything to be upfront. i don't need to remember anything. i want to forget it all. i want to start again. i wish i had never met you. i wish you never existed. then maybe i could have done this my way. instead there is something, always something, standing in the way of my happiness.

these are self-created obstacles. i suffer from these miniature delusions of grandeur. i will always be in over my head. i will always feel like something revolves around me. this is my play of life is it not? i am the actor and you are my extras. you help me with satisfying my desire of you. i am an id engager. looking for pleasure. searching for a love. i love you all. i love you more. my genius. i found you. are we just and only friends? aren't we something more by now? delusions, see? i have nothing and want it all.

growing old alone. i don't want. losing a genius for a second time, i couldn't stand. but this time around i do not feel entitled. this time around i will take what i can get, hope for the best and brace for a fall.