the west won a long time ago. have you not paid attention?

and i shut down work fifteen minutes early so that i could hang out...and for that fact i was feeling completely ill due to personal reasons.

i could not concentrate on work, i just needed it to be over so i could communicate with someone who had some understanding as to what complete bullshit i was feeling.

when that bs was made abruptly clear to the person involved i had to obviously, completely, deny it. i don't understand what i was going through whomever heard.

i, just for me, need to make some sense out of what is; is going to and what will not be going on. i need to realize that there is no future and that i cannot expect great things. there is no longer a new york dream that i had many years ago and there is not the idea of going west to san francisco like what came after.

apparently there is only here for about five years, because until then i am hindered to any advancement.

and that is the most depressing thing. i only want to move forward, to see what kerouac saw, and to dream what the genius' believed to be true. but the state of pennyslvania will not allow me conveniences unless i have immediate family. marriage or death is all i have going for me and i will never understand why that is so. because it seems like nothing else than a problem.

by the time i am too old to enjoy the life i have always dreamed of, i will find a way out there. the moon, the bluejay, and the wind have not stopped. so they will have me back soon to finish.

man on the moon, forever mine.

i hate being alone. i think most people are like that. solidarity is a sobering event. you're by yourself doing whatever it is that you do and all you think about is 'why can't there be someone here right now, watching over me, making sure everything is okay?'

why can't there be someone here, watching over me, making sure everything is okay? well, because i am alone. i remember the second time i screwed up something important; i couldn't sleep by myself. so...at age 24 i slept with my mom. that's soooo weird. but i was afraid. i was afraid i wouldn't wake up in the morning, i was afraid that when i did wake up everything would be gone. i was upset all of the time and uncontrollably letting the evil take hold.

it's been over a year and i still feel this way. of course i let some parts of life get back to normal, like sleeping in my own bed....but it never got any easier. there's something out there, i know this for a fact. it's more like a fact of faith, yet still....

there is something out there that i know will be comfortable. i don't want it to be easy. i just want it to be right. i want to know that i can go to sleep at night and not worry about losing everything in the morning. it's some kind of faith in god that i'm looking for. i'm sick of being afraid. i want something to take the fear away. i want something to show me that it is in truth going to be fine.

*********************************************************************************

there was always a candle in the window, waiting for your return. i knew not to worry when you were out all night, even when the wind was blowing and you were walking the tracks. i knew that despite the alcohol and the drugs you were going to come home. i did not know that it was not going to last forever. i had put all my soul into you and it was twisted about. never again was i going to fall for such lies or truths. these stars were ours. our moon looked down on us in disbelief. we messed something up. but the gods gave us another chance. you walked down your path and i, mine. the stars have realigned and the moon has whispered in my ear. it is time yet again for you to go so far. and with these new obstacles will be a true test. no longer will it be easy. only now is it real. when you fall again, i will not spread out a blanket of earth to catch you. it will be up to you. extinguish that candle for it served a different purpose. go to sleep forever, undisturbed and you will find no fear. if you must wake to find some peace then take heed and wait. for soon this will all be yours.

watch out. stay away.

darling, just let it be! you're going nowhere with this.
but i tried, honest.
honey, you've really not.
but i did, why won't you believe me?
no one can believe a liar.
but i didn't lie.
yes you did.
but i didn't tell you what i thought
and wasn't that just a lie?
smirky bastard!
and you know i can't talk to you when you're like this
i know that, i can't talk to myself when i'm like this.
so you're just wasting all of our time.
but i want to talk, i want it all out there.
but honey, seriously, no one cares.
I CARE!
no one else does. just remember that. please? for me?
but i care...

so when you're not so upset i'd like to have another chat.
i can't seem to talk to you ever. you're always putting me down.
no, i'm not, i really just try to be realistic.
and your realism is a punch.
isn't that a good thing? don't you want to work things out?
yes, of course. but i want things to stay the way they are.
you know they won't. that's life. it's ever changing.
change, fuck it. little change is great. big change, fuck, fuck.
shhh....be quiet now.
okay. right now.

baby monkey wants his bananas

I am going insane you know? All the lies I told, secrets i kept to get what i wanted. For instance - Rome. "Rome wasn't built in a day - No. Rome was built in Many days; days full of wars, battles, bloodshed and betrayals.

I am the devil. I scheme in the dark, cold basement. A room with a broke down orange 70's couch, reupholstered, a television set from the 80's that has the power to turn ON after OFF had been pushed, walls written on by a 'tall for her age' five year old also from the 80's, and an early 90's computer with a bad connection.

Great, my point was i construed conversations, thought out and enacted ideas and revealed my truths. The amazing thing was it worked. I ventured far from the confined walls and was loving every second, a personal tragedy to live in and i was the lead portrayer.

Why this makes me insane, if you don't already think so, is the fact that i mis-calculated. I was wrong - there really was that tragic ENDING! [but i never saw it coming, i ignored all the warnings, on purpose(?)]

No, no that i can't except, no i had to prolong the 'death' scene by grasping at air for what seemed like an eternity, (maybe the death has not yet arrived?) by picking and writing out every little detail, deliberating on what i 'should have done' and dreaming of their hopeless actualities.

I am in fact in the 'play of life'. I had my cue, telling me to plead, bargain, beg for my life which after the cue is given to my beloved villain to finally put a near fatal end on my spot-light moment. The one where i start hoping my white horseman prince has been picking out my cries of help. It's that moment i also realize my mistake of choosing the villain because a lot more credible events would have happened.

I close my eyes fearing the blow in these grey-dark woods ever so slightly lit by a silver moon and i see only the white horseman, he wouldn't get the chance to say goodbye.

This is my last attempt, one last plea...
And finally, as these thoughts disperse into distant memories.....

to be continued one day...


2-17-03


and it's been continuing for as long as i can remember. year after year. same old, same old. there are different actors but the story remains the same. they say, if you keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting that different result...well, we all know what they say. so why do i do that?

there's never been an answer available to me. not one that i will acknowledge. i'll just keep setting myself up for another fall. I must be a thrill seeker. enjoying self-harm. loving the feeling of being thrown to the ground, gravity preventing escape from the heaviness of heart.

so many times your statement of purpose has been explained. and i keep thinking that if i wait, or say something different, or do something else, or let you be who you want to be, you'll let me stay and we'll start the new act together. curtains up, stage left, forward a few steps. and there will be my chance to shine.

instead i take opportunity to give away the best for free. and i know that i will get nothing in return. as soon as something wanted does come around i am pushed aside and every time it hurts a little more. 'you've served my purpose, thanks for wasting your time.' so i'll tell myself, 'self, get over it!' it's not worth getting worked up over.

things aren't going to change and it's not going to be strange. don't over think things. one day at a time. and maybe tomorrow you'll have not one thing that was there today. however you might.

'however' is from the villain, however it may, might, could, just kills. the villain disappeared. my dark soul left. the white horseman trotted away. so i found the peasant. he showed me the way to go about picking up the pieces. he showed me histories i already knew but had forgotten. i lost my first genius and found another. and another. and another. there were no shortages. but i never mixed well. what did i need in order to keep what i wanted?

this is nothing. there is nothing. when you have nothing you lose just a little of yourself instead. blank. it's time for a recast! it's time for the improv. it's time for upheaval.


this may never be finished...
9-26-08

pickin' the posies

so she told me that i had better watch out.
those two, aren't too much different.
but what does that mean? what?
and it's all about convenience. not true friendship.
and i told her i knew just that.

but what does it matter?

because you're falling for him she said
admit it, you're in love.
you might as well tell me.

no i'm not.

I AM NOT

but i do appreciate the fact that you care.

no one will treat me that way again!, is what i say...
yet everyone does.
why?

shut up and listen, i will not do this again.
again and again
WE ALL FALL DOWN!

i know i'll start back at the beginning when the world moves on.

it already ended.
i know that.
i'm not that crazy.

so it's time to sleep i say, where dreams of fruits and twists are plenty.

love u - blitzen trapper

i love you baby
like a thief love money
like a wheel got a roll
like my shoe got [soul]!

make a left, at the second street light, keep going straight.

what the hell am i doing right now?

i can't figure which way is up and which is down.

where will this road take me? it's all i ask but there's no passenger telling me in the seat next to mine.

i'll take another left, and another, but to avoid going in circles, how about a right?

right?

no, left.

and i'll end up back where i started.

utterly lost, directionless, hopeless.

but there's hope.

always?

ah, fuck it.

seriously, i just wanted to have a somewhat normal night.

instead....my power steering went out. and i lose my license in less than two weeks.

and then when all i wanted to do was play a couple of games like backgammon and skip-bo my friend's cat spills beer everywhere and he freaks out. he needs to clean it instead of waiting until, oh let's say tomorrow because by the time he cleans it it's going to be dry on his sheets any way and won't make any difference.


i suppose he just didn't want to play any games.