the west won a long time ago. have you not paid attention?

and i shut down work fifteen minutes early so that i could hang out...and for that fact i was feeling completely ill due to personal reasons.

i could not concentrate on work, i just needed it to be over so i could communicate with someone who had some understanding as to what complete bullshit i was feeling.

when that bs was made abruptly clear to the person involved i had to obviously, completely, deny it. i don't understand what i was going through whomever heard.

i, just for me, need to make some sense out of what is; is going to and what will not be going on. i need to realize that there is no future and that i cannot expect great things. there is no longer a new york dream that i had many years ago and there is not the idea of going west to san francisco like what came after.

apparently there is only here for about five years, because until then i am hindered to any advancement.

and that is the most depressing thing. i only want to move forward, to see what kerouac saw, and to dream what the genius' believed to be true. but the state of pennyslvania will not allow me conveniences unless i have immediate family. marriage or death is all i have going for me and i will never understand why that is so. because it seems like nothing else than a problem.

by the time i am too old to enjoy the life i have always dreamed of, i will find a way out there. the moon, the bluejay, and the wind have not stopped. so they will have me back soon to finish.