I am going insane you know? All the lies I told, secrets i kept to get what i wanted. For instance - Rome. "Rome wasn't built in a day - No. Rome was built in Many days; days full of wars, battles, bloodshed and betrayals.
I am the devil. I scheme in the dark, cold basement. A room with a broke down orange 70's couch, reupholstered, a television set from the 80's that has the power to turn ON after OFF had been pushed, walls written on by a 'tall for her age' five year old also from the 80's, and an early 90's computer with a bad connection.
Great, my point was i construed conversations, thought out and enacted ideas and revealed my truths. The amazing thing was it worked. I ventured far from the confined walls and was loving every second, a personal tragedy to live in and i was the lead portrayer.
Why this makes me insane, if you don't already think so, is the fact that i mis-calculated. I was wrong - there really was that tragic ENDING! [but i never saw it coming, i ignored all the warnings, on purpose(?)]
No, no that i can't except, no i had to prolong the 'death' scene by grasping at air for what seemed like an eternity, (maybe the death has not yet arrived?) by picking and writing out every little detail, deliberating on what i 'should have done' and dreaming of their hopeless actualities.
I am in fact in the 'play of life'. I had my cue, telling me to plead, bargain, beg for my life which after the cue is given to my beloved villain to finally put a near fatal end on my spot-light moment. The one where i start hoping my white horseman prince has been picking out my cries of help. It's that moment i also realize my mistake of choosing the villain because a lot more credible events would have happened.
I close my eyes fearing the blow in these grey-dark woods ever so slightly lit by a silver moon and i see only the white horseman, he wouldn't get the chance to say goodbye.
This is my last attempt, one last plea...
And finally, as these thoughts disperse into distant memories.....
to be continued one day...
2-17-03
and it's been continuing for as long as i can remember. year after year. same old, same old. there are different actors but the story remains the same. they say, if you keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting that different result...well, we all know what they say. so why do i do that?
there's never been an answer available to me. not one that i will acknowledge. i'll just keep setting myself up for another fall. I must be a thrill seeker. enjoying self-harm. loving the feeling of being thrown to the ground, gravity preventing escape from the heaviness of heart.
so many times your statement of purpose has been explained. and i keep thinking that if i wait, or say something different, or do something else, or let you be who you want to be, you'll let me stay and we'll start the new act together. curtains up, stage left, forward a few steps. and there will be my chance to shine.
instead i take opportunity to give away the best for free. and i know that i will get nothing in return. as soon as something wanted does come around i am pushed aside and every time it hurts a little more. 'you've served my purpose, thanks for wasting your time.' so i'll tell myself, 'self, get over it!' it's not worth getting worked up over.
things aren't going to change and it's not going to be strange. don't over think things. one day at a time. and maybe tomorrow you'll have not one thing that was there today. however you might.
'however' is from the villain, however it may, might, could, just kills. the villain disappeared. my dark soul left. the white horseman trotted away. so i found the peasant. he showed me the way to go about picking up the pieces. he showed me histories i already knew but had forgotten. i lost my first genius and found another. and another. and another. there were no shortages. but i never mixed well. what did i need in order to keep what i wanted?
this is nothing. there is nothing. when you have nothing you lose just a little of yourself instead. blank. it's time for a recast! it's time for the improv. it's time for upheaval.
this may never be finished...
9-26-08
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