boy crazy

what's a girl supposed to do when everything she's ever wanted has been taken away from her?

and i suppose you might be thinking, huh?

well, you should know that my dreams of a greater life have never amounted to anything but, well, dreams.

i was on the phone with my father the other day and i told him, 'well, i can't talk long, i'm going over to my friend's house' he quickly replied the obvious, 'you're never going to find a boyfriend if you keep handing out with him'.

hmm....so what are my dad's concerns? me finding someone? wow, i wanted to say, dad, yes, i feel the same way, but what's a girl supposed to do in my situation.

it's so hard to find myself a kerouac loving, radiohead enthusiast who can stand to listen to me ramble on about the future. but as they listen they'll definitely have to help me plan the trips to all the places i want to go.

'but you can't go all over the place without money'. why is that so true?

why couldn't, while on the way to seattle, a person stop in minnesota and visit the green giant? you really have to look at my pictures. and why not stop in Wyoming to see the Tetons? because on our journey there will be detours....mostly detours.

the funk

your idol, he's been a contributor to this magazine.

now i know you're lying to me.

why do you say such things to me?

because i haven't submitted anything to your mag-a-zeen

so....um....yeah...uh....

i'm done with you.

wait, no, please, come back, we uh....we uh.....we have things to discuss

we have things to discuss? what? you are bothering me to no end.

but wait....please wait.

for what?!

i think you may have found something.

what are you talking about?

i think you may have found your muse.

do you really think such crazy things?

yeah, i do.

yeah? yes?

yes ma'am

excuse me?

i think things will be alright after all.

do you now?

yes ma'am.

but whatever i was supposed to do i was supposed to keep it funky

you're confusing me ma'am.

i think you're messing with me.

i think i'm telling you what's true

true to what?

true to your heart.

STOP!

yes ma'am.

it's been a couple of years

my god, i just want to sit here and cry my eyes out.

lordy, that ain't no good.

fuck you.

so what the hell is a girl to do?
sit there and wait and wait for
her black knight to come riding along?

but the black knight, we know, was no good.

so her white knight is going to save the day, correct?

sure, whatever you say.

she can't forget about her black knight, god damn you!
don't make her do that.
don't make me listen to your bullshit
shut the fuck up
and don't say what i should do
i will not listen
you're not listening to anything i say
but what the hell is your problem?
you've asked me this already
have I? i don't believe you.

why is it we've been going around
in circles
for years?

i think it's because you can't move past
the past
and the past
is the past
but you can't move past it

ouch ouch

i've been too tired to keep anyone up to date.

monday was creepy. i went to class and my one o'clock was canceled so i went to nikki's to buy some herbal green tea and when i came home, i was standing on the porch and all of a sudden i hear 'MEGAN'. who the heck is calling for me, and who do i know thats a tiny blonde....oh my god, it was claire vouga. i haven't seen or talked to her in over a decade. it had to have been one of the most awkward situations of my life. she introduced me to her fiance, grant...and mentioned she was finally graduating this year. i just didn't know what to say to her. by the time i got used to the fact that this girl who was my best childhood friend was standing in front of me again she had to go. then i had to go to work, stayed late talking to some kid, i was hopped up on tylenol with codeine and then i got to go to enp to see sara who was visiting on her spring break.

seriously i was having a overshock of people. saturday i went out with tim to compadres for strawberry margaritas....sunday i talked on the cell phone with roman, trying my best to force him to call me next month when he visits, monday i saw both claire and of course sara....i was only missing three people and my life would have been complete. it would have been okay to succumb to the back pain and die.

oh yes, my back is killing me like a mo' fo. but that happens every six months or so.

thats enough for now. i have to go away to see my friend.

flowers in your hair...

i feel better. so i will have to tell you more about that later.

little blue pills

i am addicted to advil pm. tylenol pm works too.

strawberry margaritas

a little bird told me that boy was in the area...for a few days.

the next day i got a phone call that woke me up at one p.m.

the girl at work with the same name as me told me
someone came in to see you.
who?
someone in a tan truck.
were they tall?
yeah, they were able to see over the deli counter.
did they have dark hair?
yeah it was dark. they had a deep voice.

i know...but do i know?

and i wanted to know so bad. so bad i wanted to just say hello, hi, how are you?
i just wish we could be the friends we once were.

\can't

start over.

*sigh*

sadness :(

hissing fauna, are you the destroyer?

there's no one around tonight

my mom is in erie visiting my dad at the nursing home...and my sister is out with her boyfriend

and my only local friend is at work but i get the feeling he's getting really sick of me always calling saying, do you wanna watch a movie and smoke..cigarettes? and i'm going to stop smoking cigarettes soon because that's what everyone else is doing...right?

i miss sara, but she's far away in columbus and tim and i never seem to talk much. but i really hope that he decides to move to maine because i think i'd like to go up there and hide from the rest of the country. hopefully we get to go on our new england trip this summer...and it won't be to vermont this time....thankfully. thinking back that was a horrible trip. the land was beautiful, oh so beautiful but i've never had anyone not tell me a single truth for so long and then have it smack me in the face so hard...like surprise, sorry about all this....it's now my cue to cry uncontrollably and bother the neighbor!

and why is it old nasty guys from work hit on me, like nasty nasty squashed by your foot meatball who 'wants in my pants' and the american who has spent the past decade + years in brazil who said, i'm your neighbor, come over...alright for an older guy he seems interesting but no! why can't i find anyone i find interesting to like me back?

i feel like a nasty teenager....argh!

i think i'm going to burn the new arcade fire and of montreal and then go for a long drive into the country.

it's so cold up here too! sometimes i wish we'd turn the heater up past 68 degrees....but alas, no!

neon bible

i've been feeling really bad lately. i can't seem to tell anyone. i have to be strong for my mom and dad and i'll deny that i'm too bad with anyone. i'm glad that i started writing in here more because i'm hoping this will allow me to write what i'm thinking and feeling....and do all the writing i have not been able to get done in so, so long.

it is a gorgeous day outside, the sun is finally out and bright with a bit of heat and the snow mountain outside in the parking lot is turning a miniature lake. lake of megan, 'it evaporated before it ever was...'

damnit

i miss, i miss, i miss, i want so much for things to go backwards.

it's been forever and a day since the last time i saw you in the way that makes me happy

and in another decade you'll have two children, a wife and a home

and i'll become that girl, that crazy girl you'll never talk to again.

where did 2:14 a.m. go?

i don't know what i ever did to make you go so far away.
i always thought that we could talk
'we communicate well' ...and we sorta could talk well.
i did most of the listening...and asked most of the questions.
'what are you thinking?'
umm....i don't know...change the subject.
i'm far from perfect, just leave me alone
but don't ever leave me.
i can't take that
everyone has left me, all the time.

i had such a big white house not far from the river
and i would spray paint my house red with my best boy friend
and we'd sit and eat orange popsicles
we'd roll down our hill in big boxes
the stone ledge fence made the best roadblock
no one would ever want to see kids splatted on the raod.
mother said we ate poison berries
but i moved away from him forever
never to see 'til seven...

by seven i had to say goodbye to
the girl with almost the same last name
i had an e and she did not
but she tried to teach me cursive.
i found her once on myspace but
you aren't supposed to say hello after
so too many years?

and my other best friend
a boy 'bit younger
'you can't go to kindergaten unless you jump'
so said my mom and he.
jerks.
but i said michelango looked orange or yellow
and he was one or the other.
he broke his arm in fourth
we started growing slightly apart
we were in flute practice together
in fifth grade
he left me too.

take me someplace nice.
is all i ask
just once?

...
by third grade i cried watching my best friend move
trolls were fun, orphans and catgirls,
remember the island game? i was a bit bossy back then
sorry.
she only moved to nearby though
and even on the street aunt bee, bea once lived
a gorgeous house on the south side
then half a day away she went.

children can't do much with distance
letters were written and saved
but even the best will soon forget
to call, to write, to care.

what about adults?

and you left me
you promised me!!
and life worth living was lost
away you went to let me find
'that something that's new that 'how did i ever live without?''
that something that makes me not remember what i never had so much.

and i did a lot of bad things
and it peaked too many months ago
and i didn't know
so when i was with the replacement
the thing that made me forget
i had nothing yet again but a regret
and a good feeling for once

but i couldn't have that, no it would ruin my life...
and i'm sorry
so i rid my burden and hated my situation
and turned back to the new.
but even that was not fair
for someone else had got their way
i lost again and have yet to replace
because i'm too tired to try
or too sick of what i've become

and i'm here once again
distracted and alone.
and
perhaps it's time.
we'll just have to sit and wait.

goodnight again and
yes, i'm still here.

i hate myself

i hate myself

i got a 40% on my intermediate accounting test!


and i still haven't figured out why i bother to continue....because perhaps i'm not that smart. or i don't try...and it's most likely the latter but what the fuck, a fourty per cent? i studied and studied....oh my god.

tonight mom stayed with me for three hours at work; until i closed. she's so sweet, she took out the trash for me and did all the lottery numbers.

i remember that five years ago i didn't hate her but i didn't like her.... maybe i still loved my mom but i was such a bitch to her. i can't understand why she's forgiven me for all the shit i've put her through but i've definitely changed and i think she has too. she had to break a little and i had to quit being a bratty child and somewhere we met in the middle. perhaps we can stroll on back to where she came from, because she's an awesome woman who's been through more than....than your mom!

okay, okay, okay...what!!!??!

i still want to leave this home that is not mine. why can't i be dependent and live on my own? because i don't have a full time job or the resources....there is no place i can work that will give me fourty hours and work around my school schedule....how do these kids do it? i have so much respect for sara, two kids, a job, school and a household to take care of! wow, i'd die of...of something.


okay, i'm going out. i invited myself over to my friends house....so instead of writing in here i should be on my way to the wonderful bourough of harrisville. at least it's not grove city...wait, i kinda like gc more....never thought i'd think that.


grrrrr

oh conan, stop!!

oh conan o'brien....you drive me mad! or maybe it's that i've turned mad by 12.30 a.m. every night??

why am i going to college again?

is it because i want a great job that will make me enjoy waking up early every morning five out of seven days a week? i hate waking up in the morning. i like being awake for morning...but then i want to promptly go to sleep afterwards.

okay, i'll have an all night finance operation. ARE YOU IN DEBT? have you spent all your money on drugs and now don't know how you're going to pay for your beer? COME SEE ME and i'll slap ya and tell you what you're doing wrong...and sure, i'll manage your money. just don't come past 8 in the morning, i'll be sleeping...come to me late at night when you're in your darkest hour. we all know money rules the world.

NO!! benjamin franklin, where are you now? i want to start sleeping early and waking early. yeah. and moderation too. i want to WANT to study, i want to retain what i've been taught and i really, really want to get a passing grade on the gigantic test i'm having tomorrow...err...later this morning in less than ten hours.

i want a lot of things that i know i can't have.

i'm going to start telling myself what they are.

and i'm going to start yelling at myself when i start doing the things that aren't helping.

so...maybe later i'll tell you what those things are

but NOT NOW. i gotta study.