cigarette blues

i haven't drank enough water because somewhere in there a whole lot of alcohol found its way in to my system.

so what do i do? i call roman on his birthday, two o'clock here still the day before there.

i want to quit caring about him all together but for some reason i cannot let go of what i wanted five years ago! that's disgustingly sick.

i suppose all i want is for a great man to say, let's move to someplace nice.

guess what? i have a nice guy who said 'lets move to maine' but i don't want to move up there with him....if it was someone else then sure....

i have quite a few guys i'd be willing to move away with...


blah.

i made more sense years ago. i've lost my mind.
i'm no good and that i've always admitted to that.
i am destructive and i haven't denied that either
when i wake up i am sad because i am no longer sleeping
when i go to sleep i am sad because i haven't seen your face
i'm sick of this.
i'm sick of myself.

when am i going to feel better?

these pills don't work (elavin 10mg)
i could be swallowing splinters of wood and have the same 'change' happen.